CRACK, and deep soul searching help needed...
July 08, 2002 at 11:40 p.m.
Urmi can skip most of this entry ebcause she's heard it already (but go on to the end because I need advice okay?).
I called her, half-hysterical on my way home from a gig tonight, just wondering if perhaps my life is this way because of the Guy Upstairs' massssive sense of humor, or maybe I'm just a crackhead, and that's the way it's supposed it be.
Soooo, I'm basically feeling feeling blind right now, right? Well, I continue my life in glasses today. With the scotch tape on the freaking side.
I ran up to Boulder this morning for a class I'm taking at CU and had a marvelous time. Except that I can hardly see, because my prescription is 2 years old and my eyes have deteriorated rapidly since then.
Lucky me, I got home in time to go see the optometrist, who assured me that yes, I do have a rather nasty eye infection and I need new glasses because dang it, my prescrition is shot and my frames are broke. Buuut, I do have to keep wearing these clunkers for a week until my new glasses come it.
I hate wearing glasses. They make me feel like Quasi-freaking-modo. I feel like sooo ugly, and even though Urmi assured me that I look nice in them, it'll take a lot to change my mind. I just hate being seen in glasses.. it's like I don't feel anyone can see ME.
Anywho, I had to run to this gig I had, recording with a country western singer for his demo.
I get there with my taped up glasses, blind as a bat because I can't see in sunlight (the optometrist had just dialated my pupils) and just looking... well, like me! Quasi-freaking-modo.
And what does this singer look like? I walk in to meet some H-O-T-T-I-E that looks like he's from some boy band - toned, blonde, tall, gorgeous... and me in my taped up crooked glasses!!!
At least I couldn't see well enough to make out the look of disgust he might have had on his face because I looked like such a freaking transient.
I played well though - I was there for hours and I had such a great time - the music wasn't really my thing, but it was such a good selection of songs that I was sooo pumped to be there. I HAVE to get into a recording studio pronto and record my songs - it's so much fun!!!
Anywho, I leave at 11pm, to discover that I have NO night vision whatsoever. I couldn't see cars, just blobs of headlights, and no street signs. I mean I know this part of Colorado like the back of my bum, but this is possibly dangerous, right?
And I'm just hysterical. What was the point in being upset? It was all too funny for me to get anything but crazy. So I called Urmi and enjoyed my special cell phone allll the way home:)
Then I get home from this crazy messed up day, and I listed to Ordinary Day and found so many good e.mails in my inbox and maybejustmaybe some good news from eden and...
I'm so blissfully happy I can't explain why.
My life is cracky, makes no sense and rarely does anything but embarrass me and it's MINE. I really feel happy again. Go fig.
Okay, remember when I mentioned at the end of this entry about an e.mail from my first love? Here's a tidbit to remind you....
He e.mailed me today, afraid it would be inappropriate. Presumably because we were once in love and now he is married and has a child. I told him it wasn't inappropriate because we were old friends (we promised each other we would be, anyway) and that I was fine and wished him well and that was it.
Well, I thought that would be it. But he e.mailed me again today, asking bunches of questions of what I'm up to and such.
I don't want to e.mail him back, and the reason is this - what right does he have to know about my life? He did break my heart and left the path he knew he should be on.
And never ONCE has he told me that he is married or a father. I've just been told by various sources. So why does he think he can bombard me with questions about my professional life and where and what I'm doing? "It'll be fun to catch up," he said.
I don't want to have a dialogue with him, and I don't want him to know where I am or what I'm doing. Maybe I'm embarrased that all I have to show for my heartbreak is a long line of rebounds.
But really, that's not true. Many people will tell me I've done nothing because I haven't jumped into marriage like he did, but I feel I've done pretty well with my lot.
I am a professional violinist. I know how to get mail forwarded. I can cook fondue. I can move to strange places all by myself and get an education as well as making a family with the people I find around me. I can play guitar and sing. I can drive 14 hours all my myself. I can pay my cable bill and get a job. I've performed in Europe. I can buy a red tutu and wear it in public. I have friends all over the world.
I'm pretty proud of the little and the big things I've done. But I don't believe he deserves to hear about them. He's always been a coward. That's why I broke off our relationship. And now he still hasn't the guts to tell me "hey! I got married and I'm a dad and I'm happy!"
Am I acting immaturely? Do I make sense? Does it sound clear? I think I've made the right decision, but it always makes more sense to someone who isn't directly involved, so let me know what you think, oh outside world.
SUPERCRACK is a happy girl. She just hopes it makes sense to the outside world why, sometimes...