April 02, 2008 at 9:23 p.m.
I can't even BEING to describe this last weekend. 12 hour drive with a toddler and my in-laws - twice. I stayed in a trailer. Covered in mildew. In East Texas. And my baby wanted to lick EVERYTHING.
I'm scared to even touch my own skin. I'd just like to say I am the best daughter in law of all time.
What's the nuttiest thing YOU'VE ever done with/for your in-laws??
I can't seem to get past Megan's death. I know, DUH. And part of me wonders if I'm allowed to grieve this much. I was just a sister-in-law. But I think of my brother... of what he's going through, and what his son is facing... and I can't hold back the tears. I don't have the right to speculate on what happens next or what they need, so I just sit right here in shock.
There's the bargaining - she was such an incredible and inventive mom, and I can't help but want to trade places with her - her son deserves her more than my daughter deserves me. It's stupid, I know. I have no right to shake my hand at the fates and come up with my own ideas. And it does no good for anyone.
But I don't know what next - as much as Quinn and Teaq need to move ahead and find peace, I don't know if I can come to peace with them needing to do that. I still cry at the injustice of it. Which I know is useless. And how dare I anyway? She was my sister, sure, but that's nothing compared to my brother losing his wife, his son losing his mom. And whenever I have a quiet moment, my mind turns to the night he returned home fromt he hospital, watching him sobbing, while my oldest brother and father stood crying next to him. What was there, what IS there to say? It's no secret Quinn and I have our differences in opinions about just about everything, but I love him and I break down in tears when I think of the pain he's handling. And that as a sister, there's almost nothing I can do to aleviate any of it.
It's obvious to give comfort to them, they need it so much. But what of frustrated sisters that know her needs are nothing compared to theirs? I just don't know what to do with myself.
Keep plugging along I guess. I just don't get it.