one year up...
September 11, 2002 at 9:57 a.m.
It doesn't feel like a year has past, does it?
This morning I performed a violin solo I composed for 9-11 at a memorial service and it felt good. They timed a video clip to what I was playing, scenes of hope and help from that day... I was just scared I wouldn't play it right.
But I did and I feel better. It was all I could do. I can play violin and hope it heals, that's what it comes down to.
I just want to play as much as I can for people so they can smile and hug someone. That's all I ask. You don't even have to pay attention - just feel it.
Uh. A year ago yesterday I was having just the crummiest time ever.. life was soooo hard, you see. Then... well, perspective changed a lot the next day. I wrote this poem to express the juxtaposition...
September 10.
The world is ending.
What is the use of going on?
With this hair
this face
this body
this towed car
this homework??
I cannot be expected to survive under these conditions.
September 11.
No.
Oh stop no.
Where did my world go?
Where did my life go?
My kingdom for a bad hair day
for a dead car
to erase the image still burning.
Today I sat on my blue couch while thousands screamed
and were silenced
as they fell from the sky
something landed on me.
And as I sat there this morning - I looked back on my last year. I got into grad school, got burned by a boy or two, fell in love, graduated college, moved twice, traveled with people I love, left some bad relationships behind and found joy I never believed existed for me, met the greatest girl in the whole wide world (my Urmi!!) and started a masters in a state I'd never been before.
None of this matters unless I know where I'm going and what I'm going to be able to take with me someday. I am so grateful I know where and why I do all of this. I am SO greatful for eternal perspective.
I still have a dumb car that breaks down, I'm dealing with a broken heart again, different boy of course, my hair is still unmanagable, and I'm still frustrated with myself most of the time...
Some things just don't change.
But I do. I'm still a goober, but I'm here, pluggin away.
I love my country. I love the people in it. I'm so blessed to know so many wonderful people all over the world.
This morning I heard the best analogy - to make a photograph, you need a negative first, then light to pass through it to make a picture. We've taken this negative and hopefully enough people have found the light - the greatest light of all - and have made this picture their own.
I love you all. Have a beautiful day.