perspective on family
October 27, 2005 at 3:02 p.m.
Urg.
I wish I hadn't left my camera in California, now I have to wait for it to get shipped out. And this weekend the band has a Halloween gig! Dagnabit. I'm gonna be a pirate!
I'll have to get Micheal to take pics for me. I want the WORLD to see how hot I am with a goatee. Ulp. We'll see:)
So, big heavy things are on my mind. Spending time with my family was wonderful, but I really noticed how my family is starting to age. My dad's in his 60s, of my 2 grandparents, one knows how I am and the other who used to be way over 6 feet - is now so riddled with scoliosis and age that he's shorter than me.
And my aunt - who was my first violin teacher and most influential violin teacher - is starting chemo and radiation today. The outlook is grim.
I'm not ready to say goodbye to my family. I'm not done learning from these people. I'm scared.
And the thought occured to me as I sat in my grandmother's rest home, watching my mother lovingly cut and style her hair and put make up on her - I want my own family to know these people.
I guess that didn't occur to my mom when she was having kids - when she had us, she still had one brother still in high school. But my dad - I didn't get to know his parents. He was in his 30s when he had us and his father died before I got to know him. His mom lost her mind when I was young and I only knew her as the nice grandma who wasn't sure who I was.
I'm 26 - Jared's parents are still young, and his aunts are too.... but mine aren't so much.
So I'm struck with this strong desire to have a family - I want my kids to really know my parents, get to know my aunts and uncles, and learn from the amazing things they have to teach. And the other desire that says OH MY GOSH THAT SCARES ME.
I don't want to regret that I didn't give my kids the chance to know their family. But, like mom AND Jared said, hey, I cried every day up to my wedding, and even right after we got married, I was so freaked out I denied that I'd done it. So maybe having kids will have to work the same for me.
Not much more to say that that, it's just a different perspective than I'd ever had. Don't know what I'm going to do about it, just thought I'd get that out there.
So I get home last night at 10 after a loooooong day of teaching and band rehearsal, to find Jared in bed. This didn't surprise me, he does live his sleep so, but the adorable part was going to kiss him hello and have him smile and say
"I've been warming your side of the bed for you! It's all warm and toasty when you're ready!"
WOW. It doesn't get better than that:)
SUPERCRACK out.