2006, yo
January 08, 2006 at 8:39 p.m.
I have no excuses for not writing. I should - but I just don't have any. I think about writing, and then life catches up with me. I'm on one heck of a roller coaster. Literally - I think I need uppers and then I need downers.
It's 2006 - can you all believe what kind of year its been??? I started 2005 engaged, preparing to take my high school orchestra to the national competion, living in an apartment. I'm now married for a year (as of next weekend), an ex-public school teacher with a #2 in the nation notch in my belt, and a homeowner.
I'm out of breath.
Last week, Jared and sat down to come up with our goals for the next year. I was in tears - I couldn't come up with any. What goals do I even have for my life anymore? I wanted to get degrees, and I got them. I wanted to be a musician - I'm in a fantastic band. Anything more than that I can't do, my arms can't play or practice the way that I need to to do it all full-time. I happy with a quiet bunch of students - I'm got about 30 and I enjoy it so much.
But I don't know what to look forward to anymore, or work for. I've been working so hard and now - I'mconfused an how to find joy in a journey that seems so less hectic and planned out than the one I've been following. I love the fact that I'm travelling with such a wonderful companion now - but... there's something that scares me. It's so different than the life I've lived. I'm afraid of waking up bored one day - with this feeling like I've wasted my days on this earth, just being comfortable rather than doing something - whatever the something is that I'm supposed to do here on this earth.
So what goals does a girl make when she's done what she wants to do already? Have a family? I really, REALLY need to want one. But I don't yet - I have to OWN the desire, rather than choose it because there's nothing else I want to do.
Lots of heavy things on my brain. It makes me happy some days, really, really sad some days.
So I don't know how to figure it all out. It makes writing in here difficult. I need a guru. Or to believe some of the advice that people give me so freely. I need to own my path. I have NO idea how.
Heck, it's only 2006. I got some time - right?
So, um, Reva got a new car. Well, "new." It's '94, but it's in fabulous condition and um.... Reva's in love. My faboooolous husband found me a RED MUSTANG!!!!!!!!!!
Reva has a red Mustang!!!!!!! How perfect is that???? I've never had a car this nice - the nicest I ever had was my '90 Honda and I looooove that car. But a sportscar - a RED sportscar???????
I really, really like driving to the store:)
I'm a doofus with paypal. It thinks I live in Arizona and it won't beleive me that I've closed my account with the bank there and that I have a new bank account. So my gold account is about to expire and I can't renew it because I can't get paypal to listen to me. It makes me go ARRRG.
It makes me wonder if I should continue with my diary-ness. I've been doing it for over 5 years now. I've made and lost friends, and I have this crazy log stream of consciousness - I'm blessed when I see it:)
But arg... I need a dang gold membership. I'm spoiled by the update-whenever-I-wanna-ness. How do I convince paypal to listen to me??
I spent New Years at a gig - I played and kicked BUTT. Jared was the sound guy and we played pretty much awesome. it felt SO GOOD.
Rewind a week - Christmas morning, I was asked to play O Holy Night at Jared's parent's church. His family was there and I wanted to do well. I was feeling fine. I wasn't nervous.
I walked up with my violin. As I played the first note I knew somehting was wrong. Why - why does this happen to me??? I get nervous for no stinking reason - and my hands shake. I can't stop them. I barely got through the piece, I sounded like an amateur, not a woman who has spent her entire life studying and playing the dang instrument.
I finished and sat down next to my husband and his family and lowered my head as I cried and cried. The meeting continued and I soundlessly let the tears flow as I wondered why this has happened to me for years. I can play violin in my band - I can have fun and enjoy myself, but when I want to play something slow and beautiful, my body shakes and I can't do it.
I'm not playing violin in church anymore. It breaks my heart that I continue to fail. I don't play classical violin for this reason anymore, and now I can't even sing in my own way as I try to worship. I have to be content with my Irish tunes and ditties. Content. I am so frustrated by myself.
Jared says my greatest talent is teaching. They call me the Pied Piper at the violin shop I teach at - I do have a way of bewitching the wee ones.
But why couldn't I have my dream of being a great violinist instead?
Gah.
hmmm.. need to find a happy place. 2005 was the best year because a few short days after the year began, a guy moved into my apartment. And other such fun ensued that the Reva had not enjoyed before. Ahem. Yup, that did make this year pretty dang awesome:)
SUPERCRACK found the happy place. Thanks for listening:)