whadaride 2006
December 31, 2006 at 6:41 p.m.
Wooo boy. I am so tuckered out. We got back from loverly church where bebe behaved quite nicely (and also slept allll night last night!!) and then when we got home she freaked out and went bonkers, screaming like she was being stuck in the face with pins. Which we weren�t doing at the time.
Jared and I were annoyed for a minute, and then we both couldn�t stop laughing. I mean, how does someone that little scream THAT loud??? I was laughing too hard to get the video camera, but I�ll try and get it next time. If you step back for a second, screaming babies can be very entertaining.
Poor Solei. Being laughed at probably didn�t help her situation either. But laughing is all we can do to survive. She�s a freaking howler monkey. Jared just let her pass out again, to which I exclaimed �Don�t let her sleep! It�s too close to bedtime!�
�No, she�s mean when she�s awake!� he exclaimed back. I have no response � it�s true, dagnabit.
So is it seriously New Years Eve? I really could care less � I�m so thrilled about full nights of sleep that I just want to go to bed and wake up in a new year, no hoopla please. I mean, why would I want to stay up when I�ve been working SO hard to get the wee one to sleep at night? Insane thought!
Unfortunately, Brasilians REALLY do New Years, and they�ve been letting off fireworks all day and all last night that kept Jared awake last night, and I�ve been warned that the display tonight is going to be just down the street from our house, and insanely loud. Dang.
Last year I was at a gig with my band and having a marvelous time � and now, I am praying that the new year will be quiet enough that I can just get a few hours uninterrupted snoozing, oh please Father Time.
What a difference a year makes. I spent New Years with my band, old Reva wondering if life could ever get better, and hoping it wouldn�t change. And a week later � I got pregnant. A few weeks later, I found out. A few weeks after that, Jared got laid off. He got a new job, but in Brasil. Insanity with the job occurred, I ended up there with him eventually, and soon after Solei was born. Now as the year closes, Jared is leaving the job and as I ended 2005 playing violin on a stage with my band and my sweetheart running sound for us, I ended 2006 playing violin in our little church building in Brasil with my sweetheart holding my daughter up to see me.
What do I want out of the new year? Maybe a little stability. An idea of WHERE in the world we will be ending up. To be happy with wherever that takes me. To really play my violin again. To be happy being a mother. And to NOT be a mother again in the next year.
I know I�ve got it better than most, and even though the last year has brought more trials than I bargained for, I�ve been given a stronger marriage because of them, and I wouldn�t trade that for anything. So maybe in the next year I�ll resolve to try and not feel like my life is a complete disaster.
It probably won�t happen instantly, but I would really like to be happy with this mother-hood thing. It�s so difficult to be happy. She rejects nursing sometimes and when she does latch on, I instantly get this wave of nausea and a feeling� it�s hard to describe. It�s a horrible feeling � disgust, even of hatred, I want to throw up and I feel horrible for how I�ve ended up. I hate myself, I hate everything about my life and I have to fight these feelings of wanting to hurt myself just to feel something else, all while I�m trying to wrangle her to nurse properly.
Part of is the lingering feeling of nausea from contractions that you get once you give birth and begin nursing, but they�ve stopped and the feeling has only gotten worse. It happens every single time I nurse, I can�t help it. I swear it�s hormonal. And I get this feeling every time she eats, even if she latches on for a few seconds then rejects it and starts screaming bloody murder, so joy is served up several times a day. Woot.
When she�s done and I look at her again, I�m happy and I love her. I feel relief and I�m determined to love her even more. Physically, nursing makes me sick mentally and physically. I really feel like it�s holding me back from really enjoying motherhood, but I can�t stop. Why? Because I�m stubborn, and I want it to work.
Hmm, let�s a make a list of my ramblings so far: I resolve to work super hard at being happy at being a mom (this includes weaning her at 6 months I hope, and NOT to become a mom again in the next year � hope I�m not jinxing myself with that one!) and be happy period. I can�t control anything else, heck I don�t even know if I can control THAT, but I�ll try. I�d put lose the baby-tummy on my list, but I know me, I can�t control that either. I can�t stop eating chocolate and I won�t dagnabit.
Here�s to going to bed at a decent hour, and NOT being woken up by angry babies or fireworks. People don�t get New Years gifts, but that�s what I�d ask for.
SUPERCRACK says hello 2007. Thanks 2006 � what a ride.