hitting me
December 19, 2004 at 8:06 a.m.
Had a gig last night. Played my brains out. I loove love love playing with my band, I do. I don't have many friends here really, or chances to just play and they are just the sweetest people I've ever met, sooo funny and loving. I'm a lucky fiddle player!
It hit me that on Friday, I officially made it to the one semester mark - I have taught high school orchestra for a whole semester and I haven't gotten fired or been commited somewhere yet.
I commemorated it by laying alone in my bed all night will killer heartburn and a sprained foot.
The next day as I rushed from rehearsals to playing with my band at a hospice, a rest home and then our gig in a loverly part of Atlanta, it also occured to me that after 7 years of being a MUSIC STUDENT, I have gone a whole semester without being in college.
Some of you may understand this - my life used to be preoccupied with waking up in the morning, rushing to rehearsals, practicing for hours upon hours, taping and critiqing my playing, watching my fingers and arms and trying to get them to twitch and press in just a way so that the sound coming out of my violin was just so, and then throwing it all away and trying a different motion, a different sound.
It was me, and it wasn't me.
It was never natural for me to sit alone for so long and focus on my sound and my body. Some people crave it, I forced myself to not get insanely lonely and crazy. I did it though, I lived in another universe where my fellow musicians and I would make any sacrifice to go to a concert to hear how it was supposed to sound, sat in the library arguing over analysis of Chopin's piano music and whether it was going to the dominant or transposing into another key altogether, and found myself somewhere amidst everyone else's sound that they wanted me to have.
Last night I played so beautifully. In between the blistering irish songs and the slow ballads, I know how I want my fingers, arms and body to move to get the sound I want.
It's just suddenly so scary to be gone. All that preperation for this, never again will I get the chance to focus on my playing so fully. I'm scared I might fall behind and loose what I fought so hard for.
Our bass player Anna went through it after she got done with school too. She told me last night how lost she was for years after leaving school. I didn't get lost, I've somehow fallen into this incredible life where I can play and be accepted for the musician I am.
I got some cards for Christmas from my students - they said things like how grateful the kids were for how I had kept them interested in music and how much they enjoyed orchestra. One girl with limited English told me I was pretty and cute and her best teacher:)
So I'm so lucky to be here. I have a co-teacher that helps me with what I try to do everyday, I have a band that makes me feel alive and accepted and good. I have some students (yeah there are some stinkers though;) that love what I can give them and are finding their own voice.
Then you add on the fact that I'm getting married in a matter of 4 weeks from yesterday and I'm going to try and figure out that life....!
I'm so blessed, but all I want to do is crawl somewhere and cry, I really do. Just release, mourn my old life, even though I'm so happy with what I have now. I can't explain it. I just need to cry for a little while.
SUPERCRACK.