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February 03, 2003 at 7:56 a.m.
what a weekend.
Saturday morning my dad and I got up early and drove to Phoenix to do clinics and things at the Arizona Music Educators conference. I turned on NPR. I listen to it when I scared or lonely because it reminds me of my childhood - he early mornings with oatmeal in our kitchen - or Saturday evenings and Garrison Keillor while I'm canning tomatoes.
We were excited because Sunday morning there was going to be a great piece on Mark O' Connor on SUnday and they were taking about it. Then a man broke in and said there might be something horribly wrong with the space shuttle landing...
It's so hard to just pick up when you hear soething like that and go continue to have your day like it didn't happen. Being away from the news so you can't know what is going on...
It was the best clinic I've ever given, by the way, and then I went on to teach 8 violin lessons...
tuckered me out.
Life is hard to deal with when it slams into you. I wish I could help somehow right now. All I can give is music. I wish I could do more.
What is the line between best friend and boy/girl friend? How do you make any kind of transition? And when do you tell yourself that you shouldn't be hurting this much?
Things get get more complicated by the day. I keep telling me it's worth it, but I think I'm losing my best friend. I always thought that was cliche. But he really is. I can't explain anything, neither one of us know what's going on and we can't talk about because every time we try to talk, he falls asleep.
I don't know why I have to go through this. I don't know if I should. I don't know if I've just taken the dumbest turn.. (no, that distinction is deserved by many other exes, not Loren ;) I just wish I had a friend.
I don't have any here. Kind of, but no one I can invite over and play with. I get invited to go to parties and be the token cute girl, but I don't even do that very well. And Loren was there when I needed him when I moved out here. But he was there because he wanted to possibly be with me, right? And now we need distance as a romantic couple, okay? But now I can't call my friend because he needs space. Or he thinks I need space. Arg.
Dad says I need a boyfriend. I say I need a friend. And mom says I shouldn't need anyone. I just need someone to need me so I can feel like I'm doing something in the world.
Maybe I'm a poison or somehting. I've never been able to last more than 6 months with someone...is that because the more you get to know me, the worse it gets?
I can already tell you what your answer is to that one - That's because they weren't the one - they weren't meant to work out. But when my best friend from HS ends up marrying her first boy at college and I keep failing in at relationships systematically now into my masters, I'm getting paranoid.
If you get to live at home or have someone to hug if you need it, don't take it for granted. I got my last real hug from my dad yesterday - the last one that I'll get for a while.
Ug. I'm so depressed right now I could scream. Go have a nice day, Reva. Just try it.
SUPERCRACK is ... fine.