give it away?
February 17, 2005 at 5:46 a.m.
I forgot to set my alarm last night, apparently. But I still managed to wake up at 5:20am, right on the dot. In some ways, this is very very good. In other ways, disturbing.
I could go into a long tirade about how much I love my husband today. But I haven't the time. Golly I wake up early!! I DO love my husband insanely and every day I get to see him smile or laugh at his jokes (he's SO funny!) is the best day ever. But I'll spare y'all and I'll go on about other things.
About how I am really, really questioning staying in this job. I jsut got my contract and I can't decide. When you think about it, this job was completely an answer to a prayer, the catalyst I didn't expect that brought me to my sweetheart just when I needed him. I met Jared the day I moved here, and I have been happier since I have known him since... well, ever. And I know that when I knelt down and prayed for guidance last March about wheat I should do with my life and where I should go, that my Heavenly Father had more in store for me than to simply move here and be an orchestra teacher. The next day, I got offered a job here, He was also concocting up the bits of fate that placed Jared and me together at just the right time in our lives. Mom says God likes to play cupid, and I'm in complete agreement with her.
So I don't want to throw away the contract and the chance to ever teach here again so easily because God brought me this job as a blessing... I just don't know if I'm supposed to be through with it or not yet. Does that make sense to anyone else?
So I don't know. I am a pretty good teacher, but I'm always overwhelmed and wishing I could go back to my roots, teaching one precious soul at a time, giving them the joy of the violin and even being patient and not having to punish anyone. Private teaching doesn't have discipline issues like the public schools.
I am tired. I don't know if I can do this for much longer, somedays I just feel abused by kids who take advantage of me, abused by how I have to be so loud and forceful to let a kid know who is boss so they will PLEASE participate or at least do what I say because I'm supposed to enforce rules and such. I hate being a police officer. I miss being soft and kind. But when I am, these kids take advantage of me.
I just want to walk away and never come back some days. I want to stay in bed with my sweetheart in the morning and actually have time to make him a nice, planned dinner at night.
I want to go explore the world with him and play my violin again. I miss it so much. I don't have much time anymore. that parts hurts the most.
Enough of the tirade, and now the bread smells INCREDIBLE so I gotta eat it and run. Thanks for listening, team!
SUPERCRACK is wondering... floating....