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stupid, stupid, stupid

September 20, 2005 at 1:20 p.m.

Okay, first a personal request -

Please don't comment to this entry. ordinarily I giddy everytime I get a comment or note or whatever and it brightens my day like you couldn't believe. I dig all my e.friends (and all you "real" ones for that matter:) So for allll other entries, click away, merci!

But today, I'm throwing myself a pity party and I KNOW it's silly and pointless and I don't need to be reminded that WOW my life is basically fantastic so getting down about little things so sooo pointless... but I get sad. Every now and then, I get really sad and I can't help it.

See, I've been hanging around these 2 girls lately - they live near me, they are both recently married and neither one of then has a job. I work in the afternoons and weekends, so we get together sometimes and hang out and such.

I'm going to stop doing that. It's weird, I've wanted friends here so bad, but these girls have a way of getting to me and making me feel bad. They don't do it on purpose maybe, they are just gossipy and opinionated and I'm sensitive, so that's not a good fit, but I think I'm going to start trying to avoid them.

A few cases in point:

The other day, we were having lunch and one of my students called. I rescheduled their lesson and hung up and apologized for answering the phone at lunch, it was just work related. To which one of them said: "You sound so fake on the phone!" And then proceeded to repeat what I'd said and laugh.

Um... it's called professionalism. For people with jobs. Well, that's what I should have said, had I not just been polite and hurt and dismissed it and smiled anyway.

On Saturday, they invited me to get pedicures at the mall. Now, I was thrilled - I LOVE pedicures with girlfriends! Urmi got me hooked and I've always gone with a friend, it's so lovely and fun. So I was done a little sooner than them and slipped out to a lingere store across the hall because I was in the mood to treat myself (and Jared:) to something that made me feel pretty.

The girls came in after me and looked at my purchase and walked out. On the way home they commented to each other loudly about how lingere was like porn and their husbands were attracted to them so much they didn't have to wear anything like it. Then as we parted ways, I got in my car and drove away as they stood next to their cars, still discussing how hot their husbands thought they were.

I got home and just cried. It's simple, stupid really. I have no idea why they were so mean about it. And Jared doesn't ever care how I look. The most important thing to him is that I'm happy, and then he's happy. I wear what I want and look the way I look because I feel good this way. Same thing applies to lingere, too. He thinks I'm hot all the time, so it doesn't really matter. It's really nice to know that.

They ruined my whole weekend. Luckily, afterwards I had a gig and drove there with my ever-positive bandmates who cheered me up.

And then yesterday, I invited a bunch of girls to lunch at a local restaurant, including one I've just met who is sooo sweet and new, with the most adorable baby girl. She knew a few people, but not by much so I wanted to help her feel welcome. At some point, the two girls found out she works as a nurse and has very little time off.

Instead of commenting on how nice it was that she finds time to juggle everything, they both agreed in front of everyone that the best way to be is to hove no job and sit at home spending all your husband's money, and then high-fived.

The new girl left soon after, I felt so bad for her. Not everyone has the option of staying at home - some families need the extra income. Grrr.

So that's my vent on the 2 girls who I will be trying to stay away from. The have good points to them, but they jsut make me feel so bad about myself and they don't care, so I'm going to just dig into my work. My girl friends live in other cities and I'm going to accept it and stop trying to make friends here.

And on another, even more pathetic note, I am also sad about one other, remarkably stupid thing. Seriously, PLEASE do not comment to this because I know how dumb I'm being.

My engagement period and wedding day were an insane blur, and except for a few moments with my family and friends, it wasn't a very happy time. Now, the last 9 months have been INCREDIBLE and I wouldn't trade anything for them. I have a wonderful husband and fantastic marriage. But for some silly reasons I wish it would have gone different and that I could jsut let go.

Following our wedding, we flew back to Atlanta and spent a week getting used to each other and relaxing. Well, I spent most of it being sick, really. And then we flew to Dallas for Urmi's wedding which was spectacullar, and I had to head right back to work because it was such an insane time in the school year.

We've been talking about a vacation, and in the back of my head I've been hoping for some sort of honeymoon trip, just because I thought maybe it would be a happy memory instead of the not-as-much ones from my wedding day. And we've been looking at some, but we jsut bought a house and things are tight, so our vacation is going to be a trip up to see some of Jared's family and friends near the DC area.

And this is going to be wonderful and great, but on some level I guess I was hoping too much for something romantic, and it made me sad yesterday.

Now this is SO DUMB!!! Jared noticed something was wrong yesterday and downloaded the episode of Gilmore Girls that I missed last week and watched it with me on his laptop in bed and got me a big bowl of chocolate ice cream, just to cheer me up even though he had no idea why. Now does like get any better than that?? I'm living the dream EVERY DAY! So what if I don't get some silly cruise or trip to somewhere exotic - I have heaven in my home every day.

And yet I cry. I think it might be my birth control. It's making me all kinds of emotional lately and it's weirding me out.

So, don't tell me I'm childish and dumb, I know this. I just had to get it out. And now I have.

SUPERCRACK is so whack.


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