suspected mommy hair
June 25, 2006 at 10:34 p.m.
I really shouldn't be making an entry right now. It's late in the evening and I'm thinking of things I really shouldn't be thinking of. But I can't really call and tell anyone these things, they'd think I was crazy. And then there would be questions for answers I just don't have. I'm not being very logical right now (when am I ever??).
First off, merci for all the thoughts on my hair. I ended up just showing her the pictures and telling her how short abouts and that I was it. I have had such long, lifeless hair for so long, I had no idea what it would be like to have the short stuff again. It's not terribly short - just a big change from what it was:
My opinion is that I like it... kind of. I took a ton of pictures before I was okay with this one. I'm really afaid I've crossed into the "mommy hair" zone. This downplays how incredibly dowdy it can be to have a long bob at this length. I agree with Ally that my favorite was my short angular bob during the evil Arizona years (I'm too lazy to get a picture up for ya, trust me it was short, and I was tan and hott) and this.... gah. And remember that nice man that goes around and takes pics of people at church? Well, this week the picture he took of me REALLY irkled me - you know what you think you are looking cute and then you catch a glimpse in a worror and realize you were sadly mistaken? This picture reaallllly cemented the idea in my head that I really and truly might be looking like a mommy hair person.
I also think I might actually need bangs of some kind - oh, I HATE bangs... but I have a sneaking feeling my forehead needs some covering up. That thought frightens me.
But not as much as the mommy hair. And looking like a mom is giving birth to all sorts of paranoid thoughts. Follow me if you can....
I am keenly aware that starting to look dowdy is just the beginning. There's no turning back. I showed the girl who cut my hair some pictures of my wedding and my hair length then, and she didn't recognize me. It was only a year and a half ago! In jsut a year and a half, wedded bliss has changed my appearance somehoe. I'm content happy - fat?? It must be that I'm getting fat. Heck, I'm 6 months preggo too. I'm never going to look this good ever again - and heck - I don't even look as good as I did a year and a half ago, apparently. I'm NOT ready to look like a mom, which brings us to my next point...
I'm not ready to BE a mom. I read these books on raising kids and it drains me. They require sooo much and expect so much and I just don't have that much to give! Heck, I don't know if I want to give (I know - too late for that one, but still)... but I've been watching too many little toddlers running around lately, noticing how they are so headstrong, they throw things around and demand attention constantly and don't understand when they don't get it. I was the same, and my mom survived. She loved me and my brothers so much that she was willing to focus on us and train and teach us. I don't know if I have that in me. I don't even have the desire in me - yet I have this little life inside of me anyway.
Did I ever even fathom being a stay-at-home mom? Not for a second. But I didn't fathom anything else for that matter either. Why in the world did I get my undergrad in violin performance? Because I loved to play - it was the only thing I was any good at and I wanted to get better. And I got my masters becuase I still wasn't very good - I was getting better, but I needed a little more time to study and hit the next level. And I did. I dreamed of playing music my way, but I had no real idea of what I really wanted to do, I just dreamed of making music.
Then, I physically became unable to go farther, but I think deep down I didn't have the desire either. And God interviened and brought Georgia and Jared into my life. And as wonderful as Jared is and how fantastic my marriage is, God also gave me another HUGE blessing that helped me feel like I was still going somewhere - that I still had a purpose. I joined a celtic band and made music, but my way, music that I really, really, really enjoyed to make.
And when I thought of having kids - playing in my band lightened my heart. I pictured me being able to still play, and Jared bringing them to hear me. I was happy to think of being able to be that example for my kids - that they coulod see that I'd done something I dreamed of and loved. Maybe they wouldn't get that, but I would.
But now I'm moving to Brazil. I won't speak the language. I don't know what opportunities I'll have to play violin outside of helping out at church, and my full-time job will be to raise my daughter.
I'm feeling a little selfish. A little out of sorts. I need to find some way to be happy about this adventure. Maybe I'll meet people to play music with there... maybe I'll make the kind of connections I had here in Atlanta and get called on for gigs and joining bands like I was here... but late on a Sunday night, it's hard to picture that happening. Things seem too bleak at the moment, although I'm sure they'll be sunnier in the morning.
See? These are thoughts better left in my head. No one really should know about them, but leaving them in my head could be enough to mess with my already addled head.
And you know what's the blame all these thoughts on?? Suspected mommy hair. Holy crap I hope I don't have mommy hair.
SUPERCRACK.