whoa...
January 06, 2005 at 5:54 a.m.
In less than a week and a half, I'm going to be married.
To Jared.
That's the part I'm good with. I don't want to live without him anymore. I made it on my own okay, but I love him so much, I don't want to travel alone again. It's so wonderful with him next to me. He makes me laugh. He says I complete him. I was always told that you shouldn't try to feel completed by someone. But somehow, it's not such a bad thing now.
But everything else has me laid low today. The hows, whats, whens of getting married.
I suddenly feel very small and not at all ready to do this. Some people have told me what is expected of me with this step, and I'm suddenly very conscious of how big this is. It's bigger for people of my religion than most. When we marry, it's for eternity, not just this life.
In Jared's eyes forever feels just right.
Still, there are other things that frighten me. I don't know if I'm up to everything I have to do to get married our way.
I am having a hard time getting food in me again. That's no surprise, this is bigger than anything I've had to face and how I face things is to starve myself into accptance with things. It just makes me sad that yet again, I can't do it all on my own. I promised Jared I'd try becuase it makes him sad when I don't eat, and I've tried. But today, it just is to big for me to be stronger than.
After talking to several people who terrified me and said things about what need to me done, I got me the distinct impression that if it wasn't for the Jared factor in this marriage thing, I'd be AWOL by now.
But then I talked to Danielle for a long time last night. She understands very well what I am going through, which is sad because it's not the greatest place to be, but I felt really understood and comforted. It felt so good to be loved and understood, and not scared. Jared makes me feel that way too, but this too was so nice to feel after the last few days I'd had.
I don't think I'm ready to be a Mrs and all that is expected of me by anoyone else but Jared. That's just the way it should be.
I'm still terrified.
SUPERCRACK is still moving, though. That's got to be something.