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Funniest. Entry. Ever.

September 18, 2006 at 3:59 p.m.

This entry might be filed under TMI, but at the same time I would also file it under the funniest thing that has ever happened to me. So, if you are drinking a fizzy soda, I would put it down. That hurts when it goes out your nose! I can't be held responsible for any injuries sustained during or after the reading of this entry.

Oh, you think I'm being dramatic. Just wait you.

Soooo, that being said, the begining of this story starts with something in the TMI category. 9 months pregnant, and I get a UTI. No biggie, my body is kind of retarded when it comes to these and I've had a bundle. It very common for teachers, because we don't get breaks to go to the bathroom, and you hold it long enough, you get sick. It's seriously annoying, but I know how to handle them. Jared carries pain pills in his Sunday suits because for some reason, I usually get them at church. But geez, at 9 months pregnant, this is the LAST thing I want to be taking care of.

So I go to the doc last week and tell her what's what. I get the same answer from every doctor - "Are you sure? We'll have to get a urine sample to make sure." Of course I'm sure!! Look at my chart, people! It's not like I haven't experienced this before! Aggghhhhh. but I'm in another country, there's no chart here for the doc to look at. And I can't take a sample right then and there, because Brasil has no HMOs so this doc doesn't have access to a lab to check. She gave me the name of a lab and told me to go there the next day and take a sample and then get back to her with the results. How archaic!!

Now, I could have begged Jared to get off work early and go with me to help me out at this lab place, but since giving a urine sample is the easiest thing in the world (1. Drink lots of water. 2. Pee in a cup. 3. Put the cup wherever the tell you to. 4. Done!) and since our hotel is so close to the lab, I figured the best hting to do would be to just head there myself the next day, hand them the note from my doctor and just let them point me towards a bathroom. I don't have to speak Portuguese to understand that, right?

Apparently, like language and the availability of totillas, things are VERY different in Brasil.

I had to not go to the bathroom for 3 hours prior. You tell a pregnant woman to hold it for 3 hours?? MISERY. I get to the lab, where there is some confusion as the lady at the front desk asks me a few questions about my insurance that I couldn't answer, becuase I don't speak Portuguese, but there was a little old man that spoke English who was able to translate. (How weird is it that I couldn't give an address or phone number because I live in a hotel?? I think the maids are getting suspicious.)

So he then ushers me to the back, but instead of pointing me at a bathroom, he led me to an examining room with a jolly lady inside and left me with her. So now I'm really confused, especially when this lovely lady instructs me to take my pants off and get up on the table. Huh??? And it's one of those lovely tables all we women know and love from the gynocologist's office - but here, instead of stirrups to put your feet in, there are these things for you to hang your knees off of. The end result is the same - legs up in the air, but my feet aren't secured... it's going to be dangerous when I go into labor - I may be liable to kick people!

And yes that crossed my mind as I wondered why the HECK I was supposed to take off my pants and get up on this table when I was just going to go into a bathroom and pee in a cup??? And then she showed me a tray of medical supplies and I realized her intention was to CLEAN me. Oh good golly. In the states, they just hand me a wet wipe. GAH! This country is OBSESSED with germ warfare, I swear. The medical area anyway. It's not that big a deal people! A baby is sitting on my bladder and I need to pee!!

So, to expedite the process, I get up on the table, assume the position, and let her clean me. Fine. But then when she's done, I expected her to usher me into the bathroom next door and give me a cup so I could get on with things. But NO - instead, she grabbed a cup from a nearby cabinent and held it under me, apparently waiting for me to pee right then and there!!!!!

I stared at her in shock and started yammering at her in English (which she couldn't understand) that there was no WAY I could pee laying down with my legs up in the air and if I had ever done it, I had at least been under the age of 3!! She looked at me confused and then helpfully went into the nextdoor bathroom and turned on the faucet. Like the sound of water would encourage me to pee in this position!!! That's when I started laughing uncontrollably. THe poor woman laughed right back, but I'm not sure why. Maybe it was they hysterical half naked woman yelling at her in a foreign language??

Finally she got the hint that it was NOT going to happen and led me into the bathroom, where I was hoping she'd let me go about my business by myself - but no suck luck there either. She let me sit on the toilet - where she insisted on cleaning me AGAIN and then held the cup for me AGAIN!!! I was really far gone a this point. How could Brasilians take something as easy as peeing into a cup and make it this COMPLICATED?!?!?!

I was finally able to go, and after she left me alone in the bathroom and I sat there on the toilet, laughing harder than I have ever laughed in my laugh. Maybe out of frustration, or shock, whatever. Or maybe it really was the funniest dang thing that had ever happened in my life. I laughed all the way home and demanded Jared tell me if he knew this was how you took urine samples in Brasil. He apparently didn't since he started laughing hysterically too. Everyone I've spoken to has wondered who the heck would take this kind of job - and why Brasil finds it necessary to have so many unnecesssary jobs - but the pee cup holder???

The best reaction I got from this story by far was from my oh-so-perfect (and my mean that in a good way) brother Dallin. When I told him about the horrors of urine samples in Brasil, he incredulously asked "How do they get semen samples???"

I'm still recouperating. As useless as that experience was - I really needed that laugh:)

SUPERCRACK is ........ yeah. This kind of insanity just FINDS me!!

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