one week old
October 18, 2006 at 2:11 p.m.
We sat next to each other at the kitchen table, trying to force some pizza down our closed throats. The idea of his mom leaving is terrifying � she�s been such a help in this first week, staying up with our baby when I was too worked up and such, and seeing to all our meals, a task I was horrible at before our family became 3. Neither one of us eats when we�re stressed, and Jared doesn�t have any weight to lose.
�I wish I could fast forward to when she can walk � sleep through the night � talk � I know what to do with her then � teach her violin, communicate� I feel so helpless now�.�
Jared looked up at me with tears in his eyes and said �I�m so sad she�s almost a week old already.�
I understood what he meant today. She�s so different for a few days ago already � she�s turning pink � she still doesn�t fit a single piece of clothing we own for her, but there�s so much more to her than there was. I can�t take the uncertainty of it all � I don�t know when she�ll cry, when she�ll need to eat, when she�ll be happy and when she�ll be sad, and I just can�t know and it eats me up. But she�s so sweet� and she�ll be different next week.
I hope she doesn�t know when I crying. I smile and pretend really, really hard to be happy. I wonder if she knows who I am yet?
I need to explain my birthday� Jared�s mom brought me breakfast in bed on my birthday. I couldn�t eat � or sit up in the bed, but I managed to lean on a chair in the kitchen and force some food down. It makes Jared feel better, and all I want right now is to be able to make him happy by being happy myself.
The rest of the day was so hard, he had some rough news and I couldn�t do anything right. Nursing is the hardest thing I�ve ever done, and poor Solei couldn�t do it very well and it would upset her so much, and that would just break my heart � she wouldn�t cry out of annoyance, she�d look up at me with terror in her eyes and cry out to me, and I couldn�t do anything to help but hold her, and that didn�t help. The nurses really traumatized her in the hospital and nursing scared her, but she knew she wanted to.
That night, some ladies from church came over to bring us dinner it�s a Mormon thing� we feed each other when things get tough. I�ll be Lutherans do too. And Methodists. Okay, it�s a church lady thing) and I went into the bedroom and tried to look presentable. Jared sat me down and gave me my birthday present � a video/photo/mp3 player thingy, so I�d be able to watch videos and listen to stuff while I nurse at night! It was so thoughtful and sweet, I felt a glimmer of okay.
Then I headed out to the dining room to greet my guests and try to be sociable � and I was met with a birthday cake and treats on the table, and all these people I�ve just met (and some I didn�t know, they wanted a true party) singing happy birthday to me in Portuguese� ! I never expected a surprise party, here in Brasil where I feel more alone than I�ve ever felt before � I just sobbed. I think they understood.
Then I had a chance the next day to check my e.mails and comments and discovered all the many people that remembered my birthday � that wanted to cheer me up, that even commented on their own blogs about my day and my new daughter � people I�ve met and people I don�t even know who wanted more than anything to cheer me up�.
I can�t tell you all how I feel. I shoed Jared some of the comments � especially moo�s tribute to me, and we both cried. I am so loved � it�s so hard to believe that all the way out here, with a lovely daughter who I know loves me, but cries at me when I try so hard to make her happy�. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I want to reply to all of you, and I will, but it will take some time.
Thank you for letting me know I�m not alone. I am torn right now � I knew it would be hard, Brasil, and a baby, but the biggest thing is that my life will never be the same, and that terrifies me. I see dreams I had that probably won�t ever happen, even the dates Jared would take me on every week and our ritual of snuggling before drifting off to sleep � and it�s those comforts that would keep me going. Now, EVERYthing is out of my control. I couldn�t wait to get my body back, but it�s still not mine. I can�t fit into any pair of pants I own, my breasts REALLY don�t belong to me anymore, and as much as I need to stop eating to give myself some feeling of power over this whole situation, I can�t do that because it would tear Jared up, and I need to nurse.
It�s still better than Monday, though. We need to head to Sao Paulo today � a 2 hour drive each way � to drop off Jared�s mom, and then I�ll really be alone. And after all that car driving, I can�t predict if I�ll have a chance to sleep tonight, or be up with baby the whole time. I wish I could predict SOMEthing. But, it will get better?
There are happy moments, I promise, and I'll share them next time. I figured out how to bathe her - I get in my swimsuit and we hit the jacuzzi tub. She's so sweet about it - she doesn't get mad or hate the water, or how badly I dry her off (towels and babies are tricky), it makes my heart swell that she doesn't mind then that I'm still just as new at this mom thing as she as at this earth thing.
If anyone wants to visit, I�m not the best company right now I�d appreciate yours : )
(and for those of you WONDERFUL souls who e.mail me every day to cheer me up, even though I don�t reply right away� THANK YOU. I love you more than I can say)
SUPERCRACK is still here.