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the state of my brain

June 13, 2005 at 7:49 a.m.

So we're sitting there in church yesterday, singing a hymn abou Christ with lyrics that say "he came with no apparent beauty that man should him desire" and Jared whispers to me that he thinks that's wrong - that Christ was probably a good looking person - and I whisper no he wasn't and I was pretty sure there was some scripure about that and had to go find it it prove him wroooong.

Found it in Isaiah 52:3 I think, where it says hwas not a physically beautiful man, which makes sense, because he appeals to our spiritual sides, to our faith, not to our physical and such so I show him the scripture and say "see? now that makes me what???" (Okay, I was fishing for ths one)

"right."

Now, Jared's really smart so when we have a dispute about somethng, especially gospel-related, I'm usually wrong. So having him say I was right was a cheap thrill, bu I wanted to dig a little deeper...

"and that makes you...what?"

(insert - the correct answer here would be "wrong" but his answer was infinately funnier)

"Um... it makes me strangely atracted to a man no one else find attractive?"

I tried not to laugh too loud. I like him:)

&^%$$#@%#$@@#^%$#%$#^&%^#%$#^%$#%$#^%$#%$^%@^%$#%

I don't update this thing as often as I should so sometimes it seems that I usually end up writing about things I do rather than feel. So I'll try to update on the latter today.

Well, y'all know I'm teaching violin lessons - started last week and that will get going a bit more in the coming months. I'm enjoying NOT waking up so darn early in the mornng and not being a disciplinarian, and not doing mindless tasks for the big machine that is the school district and I'm really enjoying being a wife.

I'm a little freaked out about the future, seeing as I have no idea what I'll be doing in a year.

I mean it, I've pushed myself to go to school, to get degrees and every year I knew where I was going. I wasn't even this freaked out during the change from undergrad to masters, I guess because Loren was distracting me and it was more of the same - from the structure of school to more structure of school. I know I've said this many times - but really, all I pictured for my future was school. I wanted a masters. I didn't see me married, I didn't see me see what I was doing with the degree, I just knew I wanted that, it was something I thought I could do. Didn't think I could be a wife or mum, so I made sure not to let those slip into my dreams.

I hoped I'd be something - a rock star, a great teacher, I don't quite know, I just hoped I'd do something big and grand with my music. I never thought I could though so I stopped dreaming.

Now I'm confused. I'm married, something I never thought would happen, and now my future is a lot less structured. Even last year my days were planned out, I showed up and taught and came home. Now? I don't know what to do. I've been going running some morning with a girl that lives around the corner. She's about my age, married 3 years, no kids, and very different than me. No fears, no insecurities, it's very different.

I spend time with 2 people mostly - her, and Jared, who has all the faith in himself that he should. And me... I'm not like them. I'm an adrift violinist. A songwriter who has decided her songs aren't that interesting enough to share.

I got to talk to Urmi Saturday for the first time in forever. It felt like part of me was filled again. I miss her so much, whenever I talk to my friends like Danielle, Annie, Jessica, MatMunch, I feel like something is right. I miss my friends. I was good.

I live with someone who believes in me. He gets upset when I get down on myself, like last night. "Why do you say such bad things about my wife? I love her so much."

I feel like I have to do something to be worthy of love, good self esteem, of feeling like I'm okay. And I don't feel like I'm capable of doing anything good enough.

Of course, what do you do with that? I'm not sure. I'd rather not feel adrit forver. It think it's giving Jared headaches. Of course that makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him either...

I wish they made a pill for something like me.

On the up side, life is going pretty well. I have an incredible husband, days that I can schedule and breathe in, family that loves me and I look faboolous.

And that's all I need to share right? That's all people need to see... he other above stuff is just what's going on in my head, and in relation to the universe, that's like a zillion and twelve times smaller than an atom.

I'd much rather focus on giggling in church, anyway.

SUPERCRACK is.

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wife. mother. musician. bloggerist for 7 years. holding on for dear life.

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