cleaning and a reason
February 12, 2003 at 9:12 p.m.
So I'm a pig. Let's face it. I can't keep my room clean. Can't keep my car clean. Organization scares me and freaks me out.
But yesterday I figured SOMEthing had to be done. I can't clean this pig-sty because I'll just wig out - but I CAN trick myself into it maybe a little bit.
I moved my bed. Had to clear out what was left that was under there and I got a bit done - good for Reva. Too bad I have to trick myself to get anything cleaned around here. I have no other reason honestly. But after next week I think I will.
I leave for Portland tomorrow, and get back Saturday. And that's the last out of town trip I have to take for a while. I can stay here, focus on my music. Maybe get a life, some friends in the process?
I do have some neat friends - Zane is a loverly rock. ANd he helps me do my homework - now THAT's a friend:) And he's getting married in Colorado this summer - right after I get back from Australlia - so I can go!! Whheee!!!
I got a Valentine! Two, actually!!!
Annie is in Mexico right now, but before she left she sent out Valentines through Loveland, CO so they had this neat Valentine's stamp on 'em...
With the soap opera and adventure that is her life, she remembered me for Valentines...! Boy, did this girl need it.
And one of my adorable students today brought me some home-made fudge in the shape of a giant Hershey's kiss. I love being a teacher:) Even without the gifts, they make life worth living:)
It's a good thing, though, that I'm spending the V-day in Portland doing a conference with my 'rents. If I was here I could go to the nifty V-day dances and meet a nice boy, but the last thing I need is another boy messing with my head.
You know, everyone wants to know why things didn't work out... I haven't wanted to go into any details - but I will give you finally an answer. It's all pretty complicated.
But basically - he believed in me. In us. He told me things I wanted a boy to say to me, and he told me he meant them. He belived we could overcome anything, and pulled me back in when I was weak. Made me feel strong again, though I was actually becoming weaker depending on him, and I didn't know it.
And then he had some life changing things happen - his plans changed drastically for the future, and he lost faith in us. After all I'd done to give myself in a relatioship - all because he believed in me. But he didn't anymore. He treated me differently - the way I'm used to in relationships. Telling me how over-emotional I am and why it's a bad thing. Snapping, apologizing, and then again.
He couldn't even break my heart. I had to do it for him.
His name is staring at me on my computer screen. I don't know when I'll be able to talk to him again. I feel betrayed. and empty.
Nothing new, though. I'm not doing badly. I'm way to used to this. DOn't need it anymore, right...
except - this really cute guitarist just called me up today and wanted to get together to jam and I got this happy feeling in the pit of my stomach....
Why can't I ever learn?? Arg.
SUPERCRACK is mellow and needs some ice cream...