new house things and *gasp* kids
August 10, 2005 at 9:03 a.m.
So last night at the Home Depot, we hit paydirt in the help department. 2 people who totally knew what they were talking about and I feel those kitchen cabinents starting to look better in my mind. They WILL be white, dagnabit!! AND glossy!!!
Anywho, as we were pricing carpet - we noticed something veraa nice - they ahve a special on right now where if you order over $1000 of carpet, you get a free Roomba!!!!!! A robotic vacuum!!!!
AND it's RED!!!!
Me wanty um... right now:)
Speaking of red, I spent all of yesterday at Ikea drooling over all things red.
I picked up a nice round rug for the kitchen
Which will look oh-so-fab with the floor we've picked out for the kitchen:)
How domestic do I seem?? It's all a joke, really. I'm totally clueless here. But Ikea? Oooohhh, happy happy joy joy.
So being at Ikea yesterday was all kinds of wonderful. I went with a nice lady from church and her 8-year old son. He was not as thrilled with Ikea as I was.
But he, oh boy, he was a wreck. He started off okay, but then he disolved into a jumping-on-mom, punching-mom-because-he-wanted-her-to-buy-him-something, angry-because-she-couldn't-carry-him little boy. Now I know that a child is selfish by nature - their brains don't compute as much the consequenses of their actions, even on someone they love. That scientifically doesn't happen until after the age of 18.
Still, it totally freaked me and made my inards shrivel up and say "Oh NO I do NOT want children ever!!!!" I have no maternal instincts, and I'm so terrified of these children who punch their moms (I have students who do this at 4 and 14) and no matter how much people tell me that you can raise them so they won't do this - I'm scared. I'm terrified of taking it personally and being hurt when my child who is tired and cranky screams at me like the kid did yesterday to have his mom buy him ice cream.
See, no way in HECK would I tolerate anything like that, but still, I don't know how some parents do it right and some don't and I simply have NO desire to ever have children. Nothing Jared has said has convinced me and nothing I've seen has convinced me in the slightest that being a parent is the worst thing a person can do to themselves.
And I'm trying to understand, but I just don't. Jared said I was just being selfish - and some other things that were hurtful last night (it was late and out of context they sound really bad so I won't share) and he's right - I'm so happy right now and I can't understand why I would introduce a child into my life who would do nothing but disappoint and hurt me.
See? Still being selfish I guess, but it's my diary dagnabit and I get to be.
Maybe someday I'll get hit with some kind of maternal instinct, but all I see is hurt and mean children, who aren't always doing it on purpose. They just aren't nice. And hey, I TEACH children. I do like some of them. A lot. I just see a lot of them at their worst and it does things to me.
Okay, enough of this rant. Jared wants me to go see a counselor to get over my fears and I guess that wouldn't be a bad idea, seeing as he made me go see someone for my eating disorder and for the first time, I got someone good who really helped me. But at this moment, I have too many bad images in my mind to think clearly. Maybe today as I teach for 5 hours I'll come up with some good ones. We'll see.
SUPERCRACK not so quick to procreate.