border

hitting the lows

February 05, 2007 at 2:13 p.m.

It�s starting to hit, now that it�s February and we agreed to leave by the end of the month � my days here are seriously numbered.

The one thing that makes me ache � really and truly ache � is the thought of leaving Belle and Betiane. Two of the most giving and thoughtful sisters, they were my first friends here. They insisted on forcing themselves into my lives, me this pregnant American who didn�t speak a lick of their language. They both have grown children, and their own serious concerns (one was a young widow, the other is battling cancer), but they took it on themselves to try and help me.

Belle cleans my house and helps me care for Solei. Betiane helps us with everything - she�s the go-to lady. She even found me a therapist when it was apparent my PPD was serious and goes with me to sessions so she can watch Solei for me.

They KNOW Solei. They love her, but not like any person loves a cute baby, they know as much about her as I do, and they love her as a person. They know how she likes to be held, they know what she needs when she�s crying, they know how to make her sleep and how to make her laugh and smile. I watch in awe as they get her giggling and playing with them � it�s the most beautiful thing I�ve ever seen.

I don�t want Solei to forget them � but at 4 months, they�ll just be pictures in an album to her. I don�t her to forget how much they anticipated her birth, and how much they love to hold her and care for her. I don�t know what I�ll do without them, I really don�t. I don�t know if I�ll ever hear her deep belly laughs again � she really only laughs like that when they are holding her.

I can�t help but weep. I don�t know another single person on the planet like them, and leaving friends like that is just tearing me up. I try not to weep at the thought, but good golly I�m just not that strong.

^%$&^%$&^$%$#@%$#^&%$&^$&^%$&^%$*^%$*&^$

On another somber topic, Jared and I have been asked to give a fireside at a camp for the young women in our stake at their annual retreat that they take to get the girl away from the insanity during Carnival. You�d think I�d be a good person to speak to kiddos of that age, but the topic is one of serious difficulty for me � the role of women.

Womanhood is under attack, I agree. We need to learn to respect the role that women have to be mothers, and wives, and not to look down on those who chose to make this a priority in their lives.

The only problem is, I really don�t like being a woman. No, I don�t want to be a man, but what I�ve chosen to do with my life � become a mother, and probably a stay-at-home one at that � well, it turns out I�m really not liking it. This is probably the PPD talking, and yes I�ve only been a mother for a mere *almost* 4 months, but looking down the horizon, I see nothing but responsibility and work. I can�t see anything I look forward to in life, I really can�t.

On one hand, I blame other women for this. They spend so much time warning you about the hazards of growing up, with pearls like �Just wait until you can�t eat like THAT anymore, after one kid your body just doesn�t rebound after chocolate anymore!� or �You�re having a baby?? Enjoy not sleeping for a year, heh heh!� and �It�s so cute that you and your husband still hold hands � once you have kids, you never speak/touch/see them ever again!�

Thanks. Honestly, from what I�ve been told, I get to look forward from now until death being constantly disappointed by my body as I will only get fatter and uglier (they were right on one account � I have already witnessed the Great Migration of my boobs after the fiasco that was nursing), never having a minute to myself for the next 30 years, and having kids who despite my best efforts, will be hellions and scream at me in the toy aisle of Wal-mart.

I already did what I wanted to do in life. I wanted to go to college. I got my graduate degree. I played in a band (hopefully I can again!). I got to see Europe, and Australia, and even South America. Not huge goals, but I was short-sighted and never planned past that. Now it feels like my life is one long desert where I become a faceless feeding machine and plod along until I am no longer needed.

I really honestly and truly, don�t think there is anything to look forward to. I could go out, maybe take a trip, but I�ll always return to THIS life, there�s no escaping that fact now. Man, I am sooo much fun to talk with, huh?? But really, if any of you know anything there is to look forward to � not as a mother, but as a woman, a human being, would you let me know?? I�m really lost on that point.

SUPERCRACK needs to up her meds, methinks.

rewind | forward

wife. mother. musician. bloggerist for 7 years. holding on for dear life.

Navigating my sea
Current
Archives
Profile
Family Blog
Photos
Miss Cheapstake

Contact
Notes
E-mail

Credit
Host

Last 5
mooooooooove - April 09, 2008
apples, personals, the works - April 07, 2008
conundrum - April 02, 2008
in a family way - March 27, 2008
mouse keeper - March 20, 2008

Blogs I Lurk
Jane� of Tarzan
Annie
The Mighty Quinn
Cathieanne
Camisado
Gabby
Manda
Holli
Chelsea
MatMunch
Clarity25
April's World
La-Blue-Eyez
GingerlyLizzy
Shanni
Elizabeth
Eden
Azucar
DYM
Yvonne
Ashley
Shannon
Almost Faye-mous
Feather 123
Little Miss
Barefoot Belle
Leah
Loobylu
Kellyim
Short Story
Tha Smifs
Mary
Em
Lizer
Heather Show
Captain Ron
Pink Poodle Prints
April's Life Adventures
elpassorepresentyo
clarity25
phoenixchild
andrew
spacemuppet
smittyclone
libbyo
boogabooga
als-pals
david-artois
bassclargrrl
falo
moonstrucke
ask-obiwan
savecraig
chickie-legs
monkeymom
boxer-briefs
la-blue-eyez
portia12
mangofarmer
mrsfieber
bebelua
unsentletter
coexistapart
iamafatgirl
dicentra
BigpimpinMBA
bindyree
teachin-usa
harri3tspy
goddesskiki
badbadzoot
tfrunner262
perceptions
skibigsky
captainron
lemonscarlet
smedindy
smartypants
the-moo
geoffchaucer
camham
sinnergi
cheeky-kiki
misspinkkate
twttrmchn
sugar-punk
emu-head
newlywedblis
lerin
momma-at-17
take-two
theswordsman
becca27
anita-girl
requiel