fitting in, fading out
December 13, 2005 at 1:51 p.m.
So I recently discovered Pandora. I'm sure you've all heard of it before, but for those who haven't - it's like a personal jukebox. You type in a song or artist you dig, and it plays that, plus other songs you'll dig in that genre from artists you may or not know yet.
So I'm in the kind of mood that has John Mayer and Coldplay type people playing. And lots and lots of Postal Service. Oh man, I could listen to the entire "Give Up" album non-stop. it's just that good, and it's just one of those days.
I got my guitar out for the first time since just after I moved here. That's over a year. And I discovered those last few songs I wrote in Arizona (it feels like a lifetime away) were actually pretty good.
There are days that I wish I could go invisible. Days that I wonder where my plans went. What was I really working for all those years? Did I want to be a violin teacher, playing in an celtic band, married, a homeowner?
Actually, no.
What I really wanted was to be a rock star. I wanted to write my words, then sing them and have people hear them. I wanted to live near my friends again. I wanted to be loved passionately, but I never imagined anyone would be stupid enough to marry me. I looked to the future and saw me how I could be - but not and older broken and messed up me. Somehow I thought there was a way I could let go of all of the things that make me so cracked.
That's me. With the red violin. I'm never going to be who I dreamed of. But getting to play my violin with these people gives me hope. It makes me smile. They're some of the sweetest people I've ever met. And I belong. I don't belong with musicians usually - I never fit - but these people love me for what I have to give. I don't fit in anywhere. But I do fit in with these people.
It's a new feeling.
Still, I'm tired. I'm only 26, but I'm tired of living. I'm as obstinate as I was when mom made me do things that were good for me when I was a little girl, like practice violin. And piano. I hated practicing. I made things so tough when I didn't want to practice, I don't know how mom survived me.
And now I'm being the same complaining girl. Only now it's my husband, trying to make me eat and be as strong as he thinks I could be. And it's me, wishing I could just fade away some I wouldn't disappoint myself anymore. Or any one else.
Sometimes I wonder how Jared can love me. I think he wonders the same thing sometimes. But he doesn't give up on me, even when I do. I don't understand it. I wish I could fade away, leaving behind a list of the things I've done, good and bad, in the hopes that it would vailidate my sojourn on this earth. I can't believe there's something else I could possibly do here.
I guess I could love Jared and make him happy. All he needs is for me to be happy. How easy it is to forget that! We're a stinking catch-22. I want him happy, but I can't find happiness some days.
I think I need to listen to something more uplifting.
SUPERCRACK.