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fiascos and fun:)

October 18, 2005 at 8:11 a.m.

SO, overall, a perfect birthday, although Jared does seem to think it was cursed. Well, cursed for HIM. I had a great time:)

Here's how he got cursed:

1. The gift he chose for me - a DDR foot pad, was ruined ebcuase a few weeks before, I was given a DDR foot pad by a student. Poor guy:( So present idea one was out.

2. The stylist we were going to see? Well, he ended up getting really sick and we had to postpone it for a month form now. But Jared was going to get me some clothes after we went there becuase the guy was going to tell me what to buy. but, alas, that will have to wait for Christmas. Present idea 2 - take Reva shopping? Alas....

3. My birthday date - he took me all the way to Atlanta to go ballroom dancing!! I got all dolled up - okay, the pic isn't so hot, but I KNOW I was! I figured out how to use my wavy curling iron!


I was so excited when he told me what it was just before we entered the building, and then we entered and found out the hall had been double booked and the dance was cancelled so we got free tickets to another dance in the future. But we went home and rented a movie (he was really tired anyway). Here's us at the video store:)

mm... he looks ooo much better than me in this one, but it was such a funny night I had to document it:) And aha!! I got to pick the movie - the Indian retelling of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, Bride & Prejudice. I loved it!I think the Bollywood musicial numbers confused Jared, it was my birthday so I was pleased as punch:) Check out the trailer!

4. My birthday dinner? I requested pot roast (mmm!!) and he put everything in the crockpot just before we left for church, and just before we got home he remembered that he'd forgotte to add water. So it was a little tough. Well, a lot:) But it was still pot roast, and nothing is better than pot roast on Sundays!!

5. My birthday candle? He made some chocolate chip cookies and suck a long sparkler cnadle in one and called for me to come into the kitchen so I could blow it out - but I was laughing so hard and the cookie was still hot, so I couldn't blow it before it melted and fell over and nearly set the kitchen on fire. He relit it and I wished accordingly:)

These things aren't so bad - he's such a wonderful guy and he tried so hard that all along the way, he just made me smile more with how exasperated he got. He ran out Saturday to find some presents becuase he was all out of ideas, and came by with a whole bunch of knitting stuff - he had no idea what he was buying, but it turned out to be really cool. Be prepared for hats for christmas. EVERYONE. ;)

^$^$%$#%@$#!@$#@%##$!^@%#&^#%$@%$#&$#

So Jared and I have come to a conclusion. Well, I have, finally, come to a conclusion he's been trying to make me understand. And it's not really a conclusion as it is a beginning. One that I'm terrified about.

No, it's not what you're thinking.

I think it's time that I finally get some help. Find a therapist that I can trust not to mess with my head, and commit to me.

I know, things are going wonderfully. I have a fantastic life. Which i guess is all the more reason that I'm realizing that I'm not altogether healthy and need help. It's not normal, and it's so painful, how many nights I irrationally can't stop the negative thoughts in my head. I can't stop thinking that Jared isn't attracted to me anymore and that I'm a failure and things would be better if I wasn't around on the earth anymore. Not true, but it won't stop sometimes. I have to just let myself cry until I'm exhausted so I'll at least fall asleep and I'll have some peace from the thoughts.

It's not healthy. Jared's been working with me on trying to understand that my thought process when it comes to my eating disorder is wrong and I need to accept it's not all better or okay to skip meals now and then. But it goes deeper than that, and has for years. And I've had really, really bad experiences with therapy, but Jared believes if I can find someone good who can help me learn to work through when I get upset and desperate.

It's somehting that's taken me long to understand - he believes that there is a problem, and since there's problem, there is a solution. I don't know if I can ever be fixed, I've had problems come and go for years and I'd survived them. But now there's another person who has to survive them too, and he believes if I do something about it, I may become stronger and be able to handle myself better. I have to understand I have something to live for. I'm worth living for... that's not so easy to understand for me.

The hardest part is picking up the phone and finding someone. But, once that's out of the way, nothing can stop me. I love my husband. If he thinks I can do this, then I believe him.

And don't think I'm all downer today - hey, I'm feelin' pretty great! But accepting it means that I find a solution, even when things are going verra nice. Hey, a 26 year old is responsible like that, right?

SUPERCRACK doth be super!



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