looking good
January 25, 2008 at 2:24 p.m.
After over 15 years of wearing waterproof mascara, I did the impossible this morning. I made WATERPROOF mascara run. I've been crying like a maniac since I was born, that's why I've always bought waterproof mascara, and it has NEVER FAILED ME. It's been there for breakups, lost auditions, funerals and weddings. I feel like the bottom has dropped out of my world. If a simple Friday morning sob session has the power to fell the almighty waterproof mascara, what's next to fail me?? Spandex? Chocolate? BLOGS???
I'm really, really scared.
I wish I culd write something deep meaningfull, whatever. But I can't. After the holiday season punching me in the gut, I feel like I can't get anything back to normal. I'm still behind emotionally. And as usual, since I've been dropped into a depression, I feel dissatisfied with my little existance. I know, being a mom should be enough for me - and lemme tell you, I am dang good at it. My daughter is 15 months, she says "please" and "thank you" and she knows she is loved.
But all I feel is harried and missing all the things I used to do before I moved to Atlanta and started this roller coaster these last few years. I used to play a LOT of music... I used to dance... I used to have friends and go do things with them... and as much as I didn't think it at the time I used to look a lot more put together (which is incredibly sad).
I know there's no good in looking back and wishing for the freedom I once had - I gave it up willingly. I have to remind myself the grass is never greener wherever I'd go, because the main factor - ME - is still there, so the result will always end up being the same. I'll always screw up something. I'm a good person - I try to do good things for people. But I always feel like I'm two feet away from getting struck by lightning.
Next week, I'm making a shallow step towards trying to at least look like a sane member of society. I'm getting a haircut. I'm leaning towards this cut I had 3 and half years ago - including the color:
If I can't feel good at least I can (hopefully) look good.
SUPERCRACK.