Christmas is cancelled.
December 24, 2007 at 9:52 p.m.
Yup, Christmas is cancelled.
I guess I was being optimistic, but it really was over 2 weeks ago when we got word that Megan had died. I rushed off to Colorado and did my best to be mom and daughter and sister.
It was incredibly difficult, and will continue to be. As much as some people have found peace about this whole thing, I find little peace to be had. No amount of the hopeful facts like 1) We will see her again, and 2) There is a higher plan in all of this - can erase the memory of watching my brother clutching his wife's casket, or his son crying to see her one more time. I know someday they will be happy again. It doesn't make my heart ache any less. I'm just weak I guess.
On the fringe of everything, my baby got sick. REALLY sick. She threw up about 7 times at the funeral. Then I got REALLY sick. I didn't want to come home until I was feeling stronger, but Jared really missed us and I'm a dang people pleaser. Now I'm home, but with a sick husband (that would be thanks to Solei and I) and a baby that just vomited about 12 ounces of her tummy contents on me.
So Christmas Eve is here, no presents have been figured out and everyone else is in bed. I hate it when Jared is sick, but it makes me livid that this might have been prevented had I just stayed in Colorado a few more days. Maybe I could have gotten some ounce of the spirit of the season. Who knows? I'm so sad about Megan being gone, about the pain my brother is going through, and having a house of sick and angry people is the only thing I can really pick at.
Quinn proposed 5 years ago today. And in 4 and a half years of marriage, they never fought. He worshipped her, and never once took her for granted. That warms my heart and hurts it at the same time.
His new path is so much more difficult than my piddling little annoyance at Jared having ruined Christmas by insisting I come home and then watch him sit in bed because he's sick too. And he's doing it with a lot more grace than I am. And honestly, we all know the grieving process was going to get in the way of me being able to get any Christmas spirit in me anyway.
Well, Christmas is cancelled. His really birthday is on April 6th anyway. Stupid pagans going and messing with my schedule. Maybe in April I'll get some kind of happy going on.
I will tell you what warmed my heart though - all the sweet and kind e.mails, comments and calls I received. I can't tell you all how much that meant to me. It helped give me an extra burst of strength when I was needed - and I can't thank every single one of you enough. You can see a bunch of pictures my dad collected here to get a feel for the void we're feeling this season.
SUPERCRACKed.