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a whole freaking year, people!

October 10, 2007 at 9:28 p.m.

In just under 24 hours, Solei will be officialy 1 year old. 9:03pm was the official time of baby this time last year. I thank her for being such a nice baby and not turning in weird directions and popping outta me when I asked her to.

From the time I went into labor, I think it was maybe just over 4 hours. I still was stuck laying on a gurney by myself in a hallway going unmedicated through the active hard labor for a while there... that was an experience. Since most (95% in private hospitals) births in Brasil are scheduled c-section, they weren't prepared for me and they were scrambling. And they for some odd reason wouldn't let Jared be with me as they took me to the labor room that wasn't ready for me either (hence the laying alone in the hallway part). Heck, they still wouldn't let him into the room while they stuck that ginormous needle in my spine. My Portuguese-speaking husband. When they finally got me into the room, it still took forever to get the epidural ready. I just kept screaming "MARIDO!!" (husband in Portuguese) which did nothing to warm their hearts or let him come to me any sooner.

But that's not the point of my post. Although I should get a little party for myself for surviving that jsut a year ago.

Anywho, I'm still in shock. And I still feel so helpless as a mom. Is it horrible that I've allowed Solei to develop into a "grazer?" She spends most of her day running around the house. Literally - wall to wall, couch to couch, from her bedroom to the kitchen to trying to eat the TV screen - like there's some special mission she's on. One minute she needs to run to the kitchen and look through the big window. Then suddenly she has to jump into the ballpit we have in the living room. Then BAM, she needs to run to her bedroom and grab a book or shoe and carry it around the house for the next few minutes.

And I let her do it. I don't get much done myself - she loves to destroy anything I put my hands on (get IN the dishwasher). And if I have to go downstairs (close the door behind me) or go to the bathroom and close the door behind me, she goes ballistic. She doesn't need to be in the same room as me, but she needs to know she can get to me. The trash needs to be taken out SO BAD but I just can't do it while she's around or all heck will break loose. I'm completely useless.

What should I be doing with her all day?? I sing and dance with her when I'm in kitchen. When she sits still enough I have a few games I try. We giggle a lot. But hours can go by with her just running, getting into things and being a crazy baby.

Isn't there something more?? I should take her to the park more, but there's so many people with friends there, it makes me lonely. And I have to run interference between my well-meaning baby and the other kids who leave their toys all over the ground, get mad that my kid tries to pick them up and then leave them on the ground. Geez, I take Solei to another place in the playground, but she jsut makes a beelikne back for whatever action figure she was trying to eat. I don't mind it, but it's tiring and my arms hurt from all the re-routing I have to do.

What else is there? I should be doing more. I should be parenting more. I don't know how. It's only been a year, and every day for that year, she's woken up different.

I can't believe I've been a mother for a year. I've only had one haircut this year (as opposed to NONE last year). I've been on 2 baby-less dates in the last year. Nooo, bad Reva. No complaining. It hasn't been a bad year. But I still feel jsut as useless and as helpless as I did when she was born. When am I going to get a clue?? Is there a book that tells me what to do with her???

Seriously... a book.. it's my birthday next week. Y'all could buy it for me. Or write one for me.

Heh, speaking of my birthday, Jared still has no idea what to get me for my birthday and I still haven't given him any hints. I want stuff you can't buy... I want my sanity back. A night out.. a day out, without feeling bad that I'm not taking care of someone else.

Oooo, I know what I want!! A flat stomach!! Someone, make it happen.

SUPERCRACK out.

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wife. mother. musician. bloggerist for 7 years. holding on for dear life.

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