gah.
July 26, 2007 at 3:29 p.m.
I've been really, really considering telling the band that I just don't want to do it anymore. And I know that closing the door on that opportunity is essentially closing the door on playing violin.
They don't want to get rid of the fiddler who replaced me when I moved to Brasil - with good reason. Who knows where life will take me again, and if I leave, I'd leave them in the lurch again. And you don't want to burn bridges with people in a small community of musicians.
They want me back, but for these reasons they are retisent to really continue. So their next step is to have both of us play - a two fiddler band. We don't know if she'll agre to do it, but good golly that's a lot of work, and I don't know if we can hack it.
This weekend I'm playing just with the guitarist, and before I went over to rehearse last night, I had decided this was my last gig, I'm just tired of the playing thing.
And then rehearsal.... I realized, I can't quit. Micheal is the world's greatest guitarist.. he makes me sound In. Cred. Ible. Can't quit. My vanity won't let me.
I envy happy people. I'm not an unhappy person. But those happy people who enjoyed their wedding days, enjoy their childen and don't take it personally when their baby screams every FLIPPING TIME SHE GETS HER DIAPER CHANGED. It's not like I LIKE getting her poo on me, but I smile and coo and tickle and she still screams me and it makes me want to hurl myself out a window.
The people who gush about how much they love motherhood and every stage is magical. The ones who can dress their baby or feed their babies without getting spat at or screamed at like their mother is trying to scoop out their eyeballs with a spoon.
I'm not that person. This morning I tried to take a shower while Solei shrieked the entire time. Do you know how frustrating it is to not be able to do anything without being screamed at? I ran into her bedroom in a towel and announced "THAT'S IT!! No siblings for you!!"
But the poor girl with her tear-stained looked up at me and my heart just broke. It took her 10 minutes to calm down. She doesn't understand that I get my feelings hurt by just about everything she does. Probably a bad trait of motherhood, right?
It's not like I was doing anything good or useful with my life before this. I'm pretty much a waste of oxygen on this planet so raising a happy kid might just justify my existence, but WHY does it have to make me so flipping miserable most of the time???
I think she's giving me her bi-polar disorder. One minute, the most beautiful smiles, and the next she's howling. How young can a human be to handle Wellbutrin???
SUPERCRACK is just thinking.
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