sweet, sweet
June 10, 2007 at 8:13 p.m.
This is NOT a depressed oh-woe-is me entry. I'm not crying upset even. Exasperated, perhaps? Anyway, file this one under "there she goes again, someone force feed her the half-full part of the glass!"
(Oh, I don't have pics of the house yet becuase it's a scary messy mess. Will take them as soon as I clear off the dang SD card)
When I was a kid, my mom would always say how when she figured it was her time to go, she'd go hide out on a iceburg. I was always horrified, but she'd say she wasn't afraid to go, and she wanted to just go on her own terms.
I also used to be suicical, but I couldn't imagine why my mom would say something like that and why she would want to die when I wanted her around SO MUCH. Silly lady.
And now... I understand. It wasn't until I became a wife and mother that it occured to me how bleeping hard life can me. I thought being a teenager was tough, heeeeck no. As much as I love Solei and Jared, not a day doesn't go by that I don't long for sweet, sweet death. No more nervous over a baby that chokes on paper (she'll eat paper but she hates watermelon??) and no more of the intense amout of work and disapointment that comes along with a functioning marriage.
I was so lonely in college and dreamed of the day I'd be loved. I wish I could go back and tell her it just gets harder than lonely and there really isn't anything to look forward to all dreamy-like and to brace myself for the rest of my life which is going to be filled with angry babues, children and husbands.
I think there's joy along the way, but it's fleeting. I won't take the coward's way out, but good golly some days I long for just keeling over and dying as much as I do getting to go to sleep at night.
I didn't waste my single years - I did as much school as I could handle, traveled and got to see a lot of the world, went out with friends and planned nights out like they were my lifeline, and danced my brains out.
No more dancing. Travel isn't in the cards as much as it used to be. You don't get invited out much when you get all marrified and babified, and it's even harder when your other half won't try to enjoy it. And every day is just filled with more ways to disapoint people and to be disapointed.
I'm not sad, just frustrated by where my life is headed, and knowing that it's where I'm supposed to go. I wish there was some long term fix to enjoying this mess that is my life.
I'll get things unpacked and I'll find a way to fit in here eventually. But good golly, would it be nice to be playing a harp on a cloud somewhere?
SUPERCRACK dreams.