why I shouldn't write
March 29, 2007 at 10:04 a.m.
I should write something today, but I think I ought to at least type something to explain why I shouldn't be typing.
Remember how hard moving to Brasil was, and the seperation Jared and I had in the moving process that brought us closer together?
Moving back to the states seems to have erased whatever gains we'd made.
It's mostly my fault.
We have so much to do that we can't seem to manage to do - our house is selling, but slowly, and we can't find a car. Jared's job is awesome, but much more demanding than he's experienced before and he has literally no time to himself. Wouldn't I be a great wife if I could make those few hours we see each other in the evening enjoyable and relaxing?
But, I haven't managed to. I'm suicidal and so depressed I can hardly open my eyes some moments and it's just one more thing he has to deal with. I should hide it better. He can only ick me up so many times before he realizes he'll have to do it again and it would be eaiser to just leave me down there.
I'm so selfish - so many people in this world have nothing, and here I am going crazy because I have so many blessings but can't celebrate them because I really miss having my own space.
All I have to do all day long is care for Solei. It should be easy, rewarding, but it makes me want to kill myself and he doesn't understand why. I feel terrible for feeling this way, for allowing myself to get so sick, but nothing is seeming to work.
Annie, my best friend is here, and I still cry, because with her here, it reminds me what my life used to be like and how now, everything is just harder, revolving around this tiny being that controls me. She's the first friend I have that I've allowed to see me like this - I haven't even driven back to my old town 20 minutes away because I don't want anyone to see me like this.
She treats me with love, helps me with Solei and yesterday our trip to Target and Walmart was the happiest I have been in a long time. But I'm still this mess, and it still reminds me that life just is a lot harder than it was, and won't be getting any easier until Solei grows up and goes away. And I am forever changed and as much as I didn't like myself before, I don't matter anymore, and I have to learn to be content with being someone else.
Jared is right in not liking me like this. If it would help, I'd run away. But I can't, so I just have to sit here, ruining everyone's existance.
So that's why I shouldn't be writing. Or being at all.