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She's going home

March 10, 2007 at 8:20 p.m.

The suitcases are mostly packed. Most of our furniture and things have been given away and yet the house doesn�t feel much emptier than it did yesterday. It doesn�t feel real, that tomorrow night I�ll be on a plane, headed towards America, and Brasil will be a memory. I need to pontificate tonight, as my heart is full and I�m oozing relief, sadness and stress all at the same time�

Six months. Six months ago, I was pregnant and terrified. I can�t say every moment of the last six months has been butterflies and bunny rabbits, but suddenly, I don�t want this moment to end.

Despite my rants on the downfalls of packing, I�d say I have been as cool as I could possibly be, but yesterday I had a moment that reversed all that. As I was chatting with my mom on my daily call (yes, I call my mommy every day), I looked up and saw Belle sitting out on the balcony, clipping Solei�s nails for me (since last time Jared and I tried it, we ended up in the emergency room). Solei was laughing hysterically and Belle was chattering away in Portuguese to her, and I broke down in joy and sadness.

Belle adores Solei � adores her like she is her own child and knows all her quirks and all the right buttons to push. And the second Belle peeps her head in on Solei, that girl is all smiles and joy because she loves her with her entire 5 month-old heart.

I tell myself maybe Solei will remember this woman that gave her so much joy, and I�ve even convinced myself that she may just a little. I�ve got pictures and videos to show her, but in the end, I fear maybe I�m not good enough to give her that level of joy without Belle here. And it hurts that I�m taking them away from each other. I need to remember what a blessing Belle has been to us and feel glad that I had her, but watching the pain in Belle�s eyes when she speaks of saving up her money so she can come to see Solei in America makes ithard to focus on the blessing just now, and more on the leaving.

I don�t know why we had to move to Brasil. As nuts as we seemed to everyone, there was a lot of prayer that went into this move. I certainly didn�t think this was the least bit of an option when I found out I was expecting, and I mourned the thought of having to give birth in another country, but it was something we needed to do. One big practical reason was for Jared�s job � it was a tough road for him, but he succeeded and his new position seems tailor made for him. Besides practical though, I think I have two more theories on the subject:

- To make our marriage stronger. It�s no secret that Jared and I got married at the speed of light, and even though our first year was rocky, we did survive and grew more in love ad understanding with each other. But in order to be the level of companions that we needed to be as parents, I think God needed to throw a little extra seasoning into the mix. The 2 months we spent apart, and the problems that arose through this move made us depend on each other more than we ever dreamed possible. I married someone I was wildly in love with, but now he is also the best friend God knew I�d need as I mother.

- To make me focus on Solei. I often look at her and realize how difficult things must be for her, with this tiny body she can�t control and people speaking a strange language she can�t understand. I never wanted to be a mother, but it took being put into this country where I felt helpless and out of control to help me understand my daughter, and fall in love with her.

Still, I miss home. And I�ll be going back tomorrow. I can�t predict that life will be perfect when we get there, but I do know that the adventure probably won�t be ending anytime soon.

Thank you, Brasil. I�m so sorry I spent so much time crying here, but it wasn�t entirely your fault. I had a baby and accompanying blues to contend with. I had my baby girl here, I took her home from the hospital here, and the women here taught me to bathe her, to feed her, to dress her, to calm her and to fall in love with her here. The tears I cry now are not the same tears I cried months ago. Now, I am joyful to have known you, and sad to be taking my baby girl away from you. Thank you for loving her.

Thank you for teaching me.

SUPERCRACK. Homeward bound.

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wife. mother. musician. bloggerist for 7 years. holding on for dear life.

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