life goes from good to not
December 19, 2006 at 9:19 p.m.
Let�s file today under the �It CAN Get Worse� category.
It�s crazy how in the past 2, 3 weeks, everything in Jared�s immediate family has gone south. His maternal grandmother passed away this past weekend, and being so far from the family, I have no idea how anyone is handling it. I know Jared is down. His sister just gave birth to a heavily jaundiced baby and requires being physically held under lamps in 4 hour shifts around the clock. Jared spoke to his BIL last night who had the 1am to 5am shift � wow. I wouldn�t go back to that horrific first few days with a baby, and that complication would have broken me. And THEN another BIL has been laid off, with a 6 month old tottering around.
And then there�s us, in this inSANE flux here, no clue where we�re ending up, and TODAY we found out that the guy buying our house just failed to pay his car note and his credit score has tanked so it�s a 99% possibility that his loan will be denied. Gah, there have been so many little things that have pushed back the closing date because of silly appraisers and such, and then RIGHT as the papers are going to the attorney, they pull the guy�s credit ONE more time and BAM! He slipped up and now we�re looking at a REALLY uncertain future in terms of a job, a location, and we have a house that in the last 6 months has tanked in the real estate market and we can�t sell it. OO, and since our house was supposed to sell 2 weeks ago, we didn�t pay the mortgage this month and there�s a good possibility OUR credit score can take a dive too.
WHO THE FREAK IS WRITING THIS ENTRY??? Holy crap, I sound like a grown-up or something!! And don�t get me wrong, I have NO idea about what is really happening (FICA score? What the freak is that??) and even when they are explained to me I don�t get them, I just know that bad things are happening and KEEP happening.
And Saturday we got the e.mail that Jared�s grandma had died. It wasn�t a surprise as she�s been battling cancer, was in a hospice and the doctors had given grim time lines. She went right when they said she would. As we read the e.mail, our eyes teared up and we looked at each other and tried to smile for each other. Then we both instinctively looked at Solei who was sitting on my lap. It�s hard to let go of grandparents, especially right when we have this new life to share with them. My dad�s parents are both gone, and I�ll be visiting my mom�s this week, but they aren�t the strongest of people now either.
The thought crossed my mind as I looked at Solei and thought about Grandma Dot, that Greandma Dot had once been just like Solei. Someone loved her, tried to catch her smiles and had cuddled her helpless infant body. As long as I�ve known her, it�s been a battle to keep her mobile and functioning, and now she�s gone.
I wonder why life has to be so difficult at the end?
I was holding Solei on my lap the other day and she lurched sideways and bonked her head on the kitchen table. It was the first time I�d heard her cry like that �not annoyance, not hunger or sleep of tummy pain, but shock and surprise at the sudden pain. I sat there and cried along with her as Jared laughed at his hysterical girls and took the littler one in his arms. I�ve noticed that she doesn�t startle at fast movements or loud noises so much because she doesn�t realize they could hurt her.
I�ll be here as she slowly gathers little and not-so-little experiences of pain, becomes cautious and gets scared because she understands the consequences. And someday, she�ll be like Grandma Dot, used to the pain, full of experiences and ready to go home.
I�m no philosopher, I�m just a mom, who still feels like a teenager, who is terrified to see her baby learn the pain that life can bring, from birth all the way to unpredictable and painful old age. I know, bring it on, pain is good in moderate doses�� but I don�t know if I can bear to watch.
SUPERCRACK would rather just hide.