changes
December 14, 2006 at 8:28 p.m.
The news from yesterday was unexpected, but not feared as much as you�d think. So leaving Brasil? 90% sure we are. I�d explain why, but that�s all stuff relating to the company that I probably shouldn�t talk about on my blog.
I will say this though � even if you DO get it in writing, it�s no guarantee. In this country, anyway. The hunt begins, but where? What? Wow�
Am I sad? No, not because of this (I have my own issues, as usual:). Am I scared? No, not so much that either� I know Jared is very employable and last time this happened, it was almost frightening how fast he found opportunities and offers. I believe in him so much its ridiculous, but he�s worth having faith in. And I know that his faith is in the right place, and it gives me peace.
Really, the one thing that gets me is that yet again, I have no idea what direction my life is taking. Where in the world (literally) I�ll end up. Selfishly, I know. It�s not just me anymore, it�s him, needing to provide, it�s Solei needing providing for, and me, with whatever my job description is, in the middle. I know I�m important, but sometimes I can�t see how. Especially when I feel so useless.
Care for Solei? It�s not easy, but a nurse could do that. Support the family financially? Who are we kidding � I have 2 degrees in violin performance. I got them because I have a passion for it, but now that there�s more than me � I have to be realistic. I�m not as helpful in the �keeping the family financially afloat� category as Jared is with an MBA. Where do I fit in this equation?
The one thing I know I�m important with is Jared. He needs me, and that�s saying something, because he�s not the type to need anyone. Most importantly, he needs me to be happy. It is really his reason for almost every crazy thing he does, and I know I�m lucky to have a husband with that particular quirk.
But can I be happy?? I want to so much, but with Solei and my altered body and altered job in life� I can�t figure it out. And the question is � where should we go? Will the same demons follow me? When I left Arizona, my demons stayed there. But I can�t leave things behind now. There�s too much I carry with me now� this is the REAL kind of baggage.
The world is open to us�� and it�s really overwhelming.
This entry is so selfish, compared to the big picture of it all. But I need to resolve these things somewhere so I can breathe a little better and be more help in the long run.
I cried on the phone to my mother this morning � she�s an incredible listener and I just needed to vent it all out. Belle, our house cleaner got worried and sat next to me as I changed Solei�s diaper and tried to smile. I can understand her Portuguese pretty well, and she�s very open with me.
I was so humbled � amazed at her faith and kindness. Why was I sad? Why did I cry? Why don�t I put my worries where God can take them? The day before she�d been at the hospital for treatment, and had seen all the sick babies, and right before us lay a perfect, adorable wriggling Solei. She is a woman with cancer, a husband who insists on living 2 hours away from the family, and so many more issues, yet she sat there and prayed with me so that my tears would go away. I have SO much � so many blessings. It was an amazing thing to witness her love and faith.
I couldn�t explain why I was crying so she�d understand, and then I couldn�t explain that now I was crying happy tears as I realized how much my Heavenly Father loves me, how much He guides me and wants me to have peace.
So back to Atlanta � our house is about to belong to someone else. To California? To Colorado? To anywhere � how many people can say they had the option to consider everywhere? It would be so nice to be in one place for at least a while.
I DO have so much. My life is easy compared to most of the population of the world, I know. But why don�t I get to have roots?
SUPERCRACK says someday�.