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deep ouch

November 29, 2006 at 9:13 p.m.

Yesterday the intercom phone to our front gate rang, and it was the mailman. Usually it takes me forever to get to the gate, because I'm trying to throw on some clothes, but yesterday I was all dressed and ready to head out.

We don't have a yard, and from the front gate to the back of the house, everything is tile. Yeserday it was raining, so the tile was like walking on ice. I slipped on the steps outside the kitchen once while I was cleaning the steps. 9 months pregnant. It HURT. Solei doesn't seem be comletely messed up so that's a relief.

So yesterday, I decided to leave her in the house while I went out, and carefully made my way to the gate. But wow that tile is slick, and I slipped on the stairs and landed on my left elbow. I really thought it was broken and I sat there crying, holding my arm and praying for a miracle. Poor mailman had to wait just as long for me to get to the gate as usual.

I was sobbing by the time I got back into the house, and so was Solei (who I'm SO glad I left inside!) because she'd decided to be hungry. I don't like her to see me cry, but it couldn't be helped.

For years I was in terror of hurting my hands or my arms. If something happened, it was a huge deal because hellooo, I'm a violinist. And then there's the time I got tendonitis and had to drop out of part of my masters program and get my scholarship revoked.... I'm just sensitive about it, for good reason.

But I'm not a violinist now, am I? I'm a mom, who was trying to calm her baby while trying to calm herself and figure out if there was any permanent damage - which I'm pretty lucky, because it just bruised all crazy and purple-y.

So I'm crying because I need to feed Solei (which HURTS), my hand was tingling from the pain, and then there's the "will I be able to play violin again??" that runs through my head... and the thought occurs to me... who cares if I can play violin again? I don't have the chance to play most days - I'm feeding Solei, trying to put her down for naps, trying to wake her up, trying to get a shower, bathing her, trying to play with her, trying to nap myself....

And that was the saddest thought of all.

Who cares if I play violin?

I guess I do. I'm not playing as well lately, and I can feel the technique I spent years accumulating slipping away from me. My vibrato is insanely stiff, and the neck just doesn't feel as natural under my hand anymore. But what can I do about it? My old outlets are gone. And I can't get a hold of this baby-tending thing.

I used to think I was pretty good. Not great, but I played better than I thought I could. I have a masters degree in violin performance for heavens sakes, even though many undergraduates could out-play me. I was good for me and what I'd hoped to accomplish.

All these thoughts swirled in my head as I sat there, nuring a baby, with ice on my elbow, knowing that it didn't matter much if it had broken.

Gah, that's heavy. It still hurts.

&$&^%$#^%$@#$#&^&#$&$#^$

Tomorrow is the 30th of November... last day of NaBloPoMo. I didn't think I could write an entry every day for a month, but I did! (Well, excluding that day Jared helped out and wrote it for me;) I'm really glad I found out about it. This was good, well see if I can keep it up? Well, at least try to be more frequent than I was.

Thanks internet world. I'm so glad to not be alone:)

SUPERCRACK out.

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wife. mother. musician. bloggerist for 7 years. holding on for dear life.

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