questions and answers
November 19, 2006 at 7:35 p.m.
Around 5:30am this morning it occured to me that I was holding Solei's pacifer to her mouth like a madman would use a cloth dipped in chloroform.
It eventually worked, and I got an extra 30 minutes of sleep before Jared tapped me and said groggily - "It's 7:15, I really think you should take a shower."
We have church at 9, so for me to get ready plus the addition to our clan, it makes sense logically and I do it every Sunday. But he said "really think" I should take a shower, like I reaaally stink or something.
"That's not how you should word that," I mumbled.
"Huh?" He rolled over - he'd already fallen back asleep.
"I mean don't say it like I'm smelly. I'll take the shower." He grunted in reply. Today was a day to keep my weird questions to myself, it appeared.
"Why the heck should I go to church today?" I kept thinking as I got dressed. "I don't speak Portuguese and I'm exhausted. Really, why am I doing this??"
And then it came to me - to take the scarament, dum dum. It's like communion, and we take it every Sunday. It's a beautiful way to remind myself of why I live the way I do, to take part in the ordinance. "Oh yeah," I thought. "Answered my own question. Curses. Looks like I have to put on a shirt."
We were a little detoured in getting there on time, as the second Jared put her in her car seat, an explosive sound emminated from her diaper. We waited a few minutes - she usually keeps going for a while, and if you changer her too soon, you can get covered in a surprise. After a few more explosions, I preceeded with the change, only to be surprised by 2 more explosions and a fountain.
Yours truly managed to keep both of our dresses miraculously clean - woot woot.
"Why the heck are we in Brasil??" is the question on my mind most often lately, and a lot during church. I miss home, and even though we feel strongly that we should be here, it would still be nice to know a reason why.
After church we were invited to a BBQ at our friend's house. Marcella is another young mom like me - she has a 4 year old, and a boy just one month older than Solei, and Betiani mom type - she is a widower with 3 kids, mostly grown. They and their families are so giving and open, they've redifined the meaning of service and compassion for me.
"This could be why I'm here," I thought as I sat on the couch and watched everyone laugh and make me feel a little like I was me again.
"I love Jared so much," I thought today. "He does so much to cheer me up and let me know he loves me... but will we ever have the chance to connect like when we would go out on dates before Solei came along?"
As I held her in my arms, trying to rock her to sleep, I told myself I need a break today and that when I got her to sleep, I'd get some ice cream. Just then, Jared came into the room and took her, and sent me to our bathroom.
The jacuzzi was filled with water and floating candles, there was lavendar oil burning and soft music playing. I couldn't believe it! Above the tub the ceiling is glass, so I could see the rain trickling across it and the reflection of the candles, like my own stars for the evening.
Oh, it felt heavenly! I haven't felt that good and relaxed in so long. I soaked and waited for Jared to join me, which he did - with a bowl of ice cream !!! Mind reader or the best husband in the universe for me??
As we lay in the tub and talked, it came to me that because of this stressful and insane Brasil adventure, our marriage is closer than I ever dreamed it could me.
"Oh," I thought. "Maybe that's why we needed to go through all this?"
I have more questions than answers, but I think they'll trickle in eventually. Whatever it has been though, it was worth it.
SUPERCRACK? super content.