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body, body

November 14, 2006 at 1:59 p.m.

Reason That I�m Not Getting Mother of the Year Award #83:

I tricked my daughter into a nap so she�d stop howling at me, then took a quick shower, and when she started waking up when I wanted to dry my hair, I warmed her up with my hair dryer (on the low setting) so she�d get all warm and toasty and fall asleep again. Which she did. I only kind of feel guilty.

Hey, hair dryers are great! I used to use one to warm up my bed when I lived in Colorado, and I used it to warm up Solei�s blanket the other day. But using it directly ON Solei? I�m sure there�s some kind of rule about that.

&^$^%$^$#&%^#^&$#*^$%&^#&%$@^%#^&$^$&^$

So today, I shall make a long awaited vent about my body. Hey, we all knew it was coming. But in the spirit of fairness, I shall tell both sides of the story.

TOP TEN REASONS I CAN�T STAND MY BODY:

10. I�m a mother at 27 � and I still have pimples showing up at random times. WHY??? Have I not suffered enough??

9. I dutifully used that cocoa butter lotion on my tummy to prevent stretch marks, even though the smell of it made me want to hurl. And how am I repaid?? Stretch marks everywhere else. How the heck is that fair? No one told me about that!

8. My udders hurt CONSTANTLY. They used to be boobs � they were sexy, they were useless. Now they are useful, covered in spit up and hurt more than labor did. She has made an actual deep, deep dent in one of the nipples with her GUMS � it�s so deep, I�m nervous about her chomping down and just ending it all someday soon. They leak, they are so huge they don�t fit into a single shirt I brought from the states and I now feel as sexy as the refrigerated section at a 7-11 (they sell milk there, right??)

7. It�s over a month post-partum, and not even my fat pants fit me yet. Yes, I�m being impatient, but it�s my FAT pants, people!! We all know I have enough issues as it is, but good golly, I have huge fat pants!! So.not.fair.

6. The inability to fall asleep easily. If I wake up at 4am to feed her, it can take an hour or more, and then I crawl back into bed and lay there for what seems forever. Why won�t my brain take a break??

5. My hair takes too long to dry. Okay, this one is stupid, but it takes so darn long and I�m so darn tired. I could get it all cut off, but I�m nervous about letting a Brasilian near me with scissors. Any country that is this comfortable wearing unattractive spandex shorts all the time has me a little wary of their taste in style overall. At the rate I�m going, I�m going to give Rapunzel a run for her money in a few months.

4. My dry lips. Gah, my lips are sooo dry right now, and they don�t sell Lip Smackers here. I know it sounds dumb, but I�ve been on medicated stuff before for this, and the only thing that works for me as well as that is Lip Smackers. I�m cursed until Christmas!

3. (Now we�re getting personal!) My �girl parts� and the fact that I was given a ginormous episiotomy against my will. I feel horrible. The pain of recovery was unbelievable and it�s left me with a sense of disgust at my body. I can�t ever really feel sexy again, I feel violated and old, like my chance to feel young and attractive is gone. I know, what�s the point? I just feel differently about myself body and I�m not a fan.

2. My eye brows. I haven�t had a chance to even THINK about tweezing them in weeks, and I know they probably look like bushes or something. I�m not Freida or anything, but why must I tweeze and why must I so bad at it when I DO do it and why the heck to I care about eyebrows? Silly females.

1. My hands. I only have 2 of them. How am I supposed to get ANYthing done with only 2 of these?? Someone in charge goofed.

Okay, now to be fair, I have to come up with 10 things I like about my body. You might want to go get a snack, this might take a while�.

10. I had a really normal, healthy pregnancy. I appreciate my body for treating me pretty well. I was textbook craving, crazy and such, but I never got bloated or swollen and I only threw up a handful of times. Merci body!

9. My hands. I�m grateful for hands and arms that work. You old skoolers will remember a time that my arms didn�t work, I had to crap out on grad school for a short while and I couldn�t play violin or guitar anymore. I am grateful for the health I have now and the ability to play, as limited as my chances may be. And I can carry my daughter � that�s new. And super nice.

8. I like my eyes. I like to see stuff, and I�ve been told they are pretty � and I think Solei has them too, so booya for genes and our sexy peepers.

7. My teeth. I never had to have braces, that�s pretty awesome. And my smile has gotten me out of a few scrapes, so that�s nice. It�s also nice to be able to chew gum, eat steak, and I really like flossing. Teeth give me that opportunity. Go teeth!

6. My legs. I am lucky to be able to walk and hop and trip and fall down. It�s a blessing it is.

5. My joints. This one is weird, but they pop and crack all the time, and I likes it. Pooping knuckles and stuff is a huge stress reliever for me � and I don�t have many of them. It is okay to be a creaky old lady if I get to crack my back whenever I need to : )

4. My eyelashes. They go for miles and are one thing I am grateful for � and I think Solei got them too! Woohoo! Useless, but cute.

3. My skin. It�s very useful, and I�m glad that I have a bunch of it. Showers feel soooo good because my skin likes to be clean. It�s nice to have something feel good that is such a simple thing. I need the little things.

2. Okay, I�m really searching here� um.. my ears? I can hear Solei cry. I can also hear the dang dogs and the roosters and � never mind, I�m going with my tongue here. I can taste chocolate, boo ya.

1. My heart. It heals and can still keep ticking. I�m glad with all the abuse I�ve done to it (I mean figuratively � no bypasses for me yet) that I still have one and it can get all swollen with good things in it. I�m glad I�ve got one of those.

Good for me! It�s nice to know I can at least attempt to be objective and see both sides to a situation. Heh. Just kidding, we all know I�m completely irrational.

SUPERCRACK is a mammal, and that�s okay.

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