no idear what I'm doing
November 09, 2006 at 3:33 p.m.
I�ve been sitting upstairs � which is a huge distance from my bedroom, which is where I left Solei passed out on my bed. 31 steps from the couch to the door of my bedroom, good golly! But it�s all tile, so at least I can hear from there � the reverb and all that. It�s so funny the noises she makes � she doesn�t cry when she�s in sleep mode, she grunts, clears her throat, and snorts. So freaking cute, people. When I wake up to feed her at night, or even get her in the morning and she�s already awake, hungry and usually with a soiled diaper, she is just laying there with her eyes wide open, flailing about her arms, kicking her legs up and down, and grunting and panting as if to say "I�ve got this, I�ll take care of it, just give me a second so I can figure out how to use my arms and legs." She doesn�t cry, it�s so sweet, and makes me love her even more as I change her diaper.
Anywho, I just came down here to type my entry, and she�s laying next to me, grunting and sometimes flailing in her sleep. It was hard to take the first few nights we were here � all that grunting in the baby monitor, I thought it all meant something. I found out it�s usually nothing, and I sleep as good as she does, probably.
I wish she could love me. She probably does, but she�s only 4 weeks, there�s very little that she can do. She doesn�t snuggle back, and in those very few precious moments that her eyes lock into mine, her expression is usually saying "what, YOU�RE my mom? That�s not what I was told up in heaven, someone goofed!"
There�s a few moments though, where I can trick her into falling asleep on my chest after burping her. It feels so good, and she rarely spits up on me then. What more could a girl ask for??
I go through my days in survival mode. It used to be in the pursuit of looking like I�d actually done something with my day, but now it�s all in the pursuit of trying to figure this girl out. I can�t expect her to be on a schedule just yet, but it�s always changing and confusing me.
She�s been waking up around 5am after sleeping from about 10pm on. But a few days before that, it was 3am and then 7am. We put her to sleep when we go down, for our own selfish reasons. She�ll sleep longer on our timeframe then, right? But something inside of me says we should be putting her to bed at 7 or 8 or something. Isn�t that when kids have their bedtimes? I have no idea.
And then there�s the day naps� oh, and the eating. I have to sit in front of a freaking fan with her stripped all the way down to her diaper while I nurse just to keep her awake to get food in her stomach. She likes to eat for about 7 minutes then dose off, and when I think she�s really asleep so I can maybe check my e.mail or something, she�s up and hungry again. I am not a snack bar, people!
I mentioned this to Annie soon after giving birth � I don�t feel like a mom, but more like a glorified caterer.
Sometimes she naps at 10am, sometimes she naps at 12pm or even 2, and then there�s the fight to keep her awake until I�m good and ready to let her konk out for the night. I read that Babywise book and it freaked the heck out of me because she wasn�t eating as much as the book said she should, even though she�s gaining weight like a mad woman. I want there to be some kind of schedule, but I don�t know if I�ll ever decide what it should be, and I�m really afraid she�s going to tell me what schedule we�ll be on like she has been, and she�ll always be telling me what to do.
Do any of you have a sample schedule I could hear? I need ideas to start figuring this out. Oh, and yes, my comments are a horrible, horrible thing because they only accept 5 per entry, isn�t that stupid?? But I couldn�t figure out any other comments � I even tried haloscan a million times but could never figure it out. So if you have any ideas on a schedule, heck or even a comments host I should try, either notes me, try to get the comments to work, or e.mail away � I�m princessreva at that h0t mail place.
SUPERCRACK is all atwitter with not having any clue about anything!