birthday list
October 16, 2006 at 3:20 p.m.
I don�t feel much like updating� but, today is my birthday and I have a tradition of always making a birthday entry listing all the things I�ve done in the year. So, regardless of how tired I am, I will attempt. I may be incognito for the next few weeks� I�ll try to update regularly. I don�t understand why it has to be so hard � this motherhood thing, right off the bat. I have really fallen for this girl, but she doesn�t sleep, and it seems like everything I do just makes her cry so hard. Everyone just smiles and pats us on the head and says it is supposed to be hard, but Jared keeps getting more news he wasn't expecting, and I�ve developed post partum depression. It�s not anything we didn�t think would happen � it just triggered all the things I try to keep at bay, but I�m really sick and with all this extra stress, things are going to push Jared to the limit soon.
I love him so much � I can�t even describe how much. He is the greatest thing to have ever happened to me � the best friend I could have ever asked for, the best teacher I�ve ever had, and he�s more healing than anything I can describe. He loves me so perfectly, and cares so so much about my happiness. All I have to do right now is be happy, and he can be happy � even the job thing can be overlooked� well, kind of. It�s still a mess.
Okay, can�t go on too long or I won�t be able to stop crying. I�ve never cried such fat tears. I have never loved so much, and wished to die so hard all in the same thought. I�ve fallen though, as much as she doesn�t seem to like me (or anything), I�ve fallen.
SO � today I am 27. I feel like a teenager � I even find myself crying and curling in the same positions that my daughter curls into. I do NOT feel 27. But this is what I did in year 26:
Gigged like mad all of with my too-cool-for-you celtic band.
Taught like a bazillion violin lessons.
Renovated our house � okay, mostly watched Jared do that : )
Saw Annie get married!
Also saw my Uncle Bret get married, THAT was shocking! But it was a good excuse to do Disneyland with my mom : )
Did Christmas away from my parents for the first time � not too easy.
Did go visit them a few weeks after though, and got to watch Jared attempt snowboarding. Hil-ARIous.
Within hours of returning home, found out I was pregnant.
AK.
Found out it was a girl though, which we knew all along!
Jared got laid off and we faced a very insane future (how insane?? And now it�s even weirder!!)
Traveled to Texas to see old friends, visited Jared�s relatives (Jared made me target practice!! SO mean!) and came back with Danielle to rock St. Patty�s day with my band!
Jared got job opportunity in Brasil�.
We freaking took it. Why? We�re NUTS, that�s why.
Separated from my husband for 2 months while he got things settled-ish in Brasil. Got to do Savannah with Annie which ruled, but learned that we cannot EVER be apart that long ever again.
Moved to Brasil, 7 months pregnant.
Lived in a hotel for a month � surreal, it was.
Traveled by bus 8 hours each way to visit some mission-era friends of Jared. 9 months pregnant. Yup, nuts.
Moved into the house, furnished it as best we could.
Our family of 2 became 3 with our darling Solei.
Last night I welcomed my birthday by being pulled off of the floor in a crying heap by my mother in law, who graciously took my hysterical daughter from my arms and forced me to sleep for a few hours. I woke up crying. She leaves Wednesday though... I'm so so terrified. I love Jared so much and I hate doing this to him, but I can�t stop. It�s not pretty, but life is much more complicated than it was a week ago at 26.
SUPERCRACK is more cracked than she ever imagined.