just a day just an ordinary day
November 10, 2003 at 11:00 a.m.
I'm sure the girls will relate to me onthis one, the guys - not so much....
Do you ever have a day where you feel like you're wearing something your mom would wear?
Don't get me wrong, my mom is one sassy lady and she does have some kicking outfirs - the lady looks good in my redpatentleatherdocmartenboos even! But still, every now and then she can just look like comfy comfy mom.
And I'm not down with looking like that yet. But somehow, my choice in clothes today didn't work with my choice of shoes and I am suddenly not funky, but responsible and coordinating. THAT FREAKS ME OUT!!!!
And it makes me feel a little more subdued for some reason. I skipped swimming today because I'm feeling an illness coming on and being wet outside just doesn't seem like a good idea. But when I got out of class early and saw the bus coming, I was no more subdued and made a mad dash - big back-pack, violin, water bottle, newspaper, practical shoes and all, and ran like a banshee to get to the bus stop.
But as I rounded out a corner and got to the sidewalk, my back pack exploded and my scriptures and journal and all their contents went flying. I just stared at the mess and tried not to take it as an omen that my day will be a disaster, and slowly started gathering my things. When I stood up, I saw that the bus driver was waiting at the stop for me! He'd seen my wacky accident and decided I needed a ride pretty bad if I'll give up all pride in appearance by making a goober out of myself like that.
I blame these shoes. I'm just not a practical shoe kind of gal. It's messing with my game, yo.
*o my golly do i need a hug right now! if you are on the asu campus and see a crazy bag lady walking around, hug her! it's me!*
So a few years ago, I spent a relaxing summer at home. I'd just lost most of my friends due to a cheating boy that had turned them on me, and I had lost a lot of weight I needed to get back, so I went home to Colorado to heal. I took a math class and some other thngs and some music camps to keep me busy. I jsut needed a break, I felt so weak and I needed the strength of people who loved me to help me get better.
MatMunch spent the summer in Colorado for the first summer since I'd known him, and had just lost the love of his life because she felt like going in a different direction. Oh, we were a pair, that summer:)
Every Thursday night I had that math class, and Mat had to work, but we'd meet late at the Mercury Cafe and dance as long as they'd let us and then go off to Dennny's for milkshakes and buffalo wings and talk about everything.... mostly our broken hearts and such.
That's one of the happiest memories I have... we just danced to get through the pain and feel good again. I'm so glad we had each other to dance with and commiserate and such.
And oh, did we nurse our broken hearts:) Always trying to feel better, but also figure out why we'd been hurt so.
We moved on from those relationships though, I dated again and he did too and I think we survived pretty well.
But one day, after that summer, I was trying to figure out another boy problem yet again, and I asked Mat what his definition of love was. I wasn't sure it even existed anymore.
He just said simply, "love is worth it."
I was so surprised, after all he'd been through, how much she'd hurt him, how could he say it had been worth it?
All he would say was "the feeling, the emotion that I got to feel was so powerful, and no pain could ever take away how good it felt to be so crazy in love. It may take a long time to find it again, and maybe I never will, but I'm okay with knowing that I got to feel that invincible at least once in my life."
That has always stuck with me and I always wondered how he could be right - because my heartbreak has almost crippled me at times. Yes, you get up, you move on... but was it really good enough to warrant all that hurt in the end?
And I realized the other day that he really was right.... I was really and truly loved once in my life by someone. It will never work out and we've moved on gracefully - but wow... Mat was right.
I don't know if I'll ever be loved again, maybe I'm supposed to be a crazy spinster with lots and lots of violin students to keep me company. But yeah, for that time that I got to feel so protected and safe and accepted.. I'd have to say it really was worth it.
That's pretty mature of me... I want everyone to write that this day down... ;)
Le sigh, well, that's a nice breakthrough. I still need a hug!! C'mon people!!!
heehee thatnks for all the e.mails and IM's - my secret weekend was pretty okay, I'd have to say. It was like uh... no then hmmmm then hey! then awww then okay and then bye!
I really would expound on it more, but since I don't understand it myself, I'll leave it at that.
I will say this though... interactive hand holding? not a bad idea.
SUPERCRACK says that is all! outta my bidness! I don't even HAVE any bidness, seriously!