still pregnant
March 06, 2006 at 1:01 p.m.
First, let me just say thank you soo much for all the notes and the love! They all mean so much and I really need lots of love right now, what with the constant hyperventilation and such.
I feel like I've entered a different dimention. It's so surreal. I was in denial when I found out.... I kept telling myself that I'd wait until I saw the heartbeat because it just couldn't be true. Last week I saw it and I just cried and cried. Joy, terror, shock. Tomorrow I'm 10 weeks in.
It's true... lots of you were dead on - I have the most wonderful husband in the world and that's already most of what I need. But then - every one says that one day I'll wake up and realize the joy of what is happening -
probably after this time period where I'm waking up raging starving but too nauseous to eat - oh joy. But I don't know... I'm so tired, so scared, and one day the fact that I'm tired won't matter because someone else will be needing something.
I need to know what happens during labor so I can decide what I want, and then write it down for Jared to follow through with because once I go into labor I see myself crying uncontrollably for hours... c'mon, you guys know me too - that's SO going to happen - but the more I know about labor, the more I cry every day and have nightmares. I like my body!! I do, and it will never be the same again. No, I won't be fat ever I don't think (although I've already had to buy new pants), but... I really like um... relations with my husband. I don't like that I'll change down there. And oh, the horror of what will happen. No one sugarcoats this stuff.
It's all pretty selfish right now. Maybe I'll feel differently when the jelly bean comes - but right now, there are very few pluses. Just feeling sick and tired and bloated and nauseous and other ickies I won't mention...
I have Jared. And that makes me the luckiest girl in the whole world. I have to keep reminding myself that. Someday I'll be happy about what is coming next... and they say next month I'll feel good enough to enjoy what is happening.
For now... this is my inner dialogue:
AAAKKK!!! HEEELLLLPPPP!!!!!!!!
I'm pregnant.