trudging through
September 21, 2004 at 2:19 p.m.
Wow. What a terribly hard bunch of life I'm wading through. I dream of someday, being somewhere where I belong. I dream of someday doing something I can do - not what I should do or ought to do. I want to make music again.
There's so much to do here. There's so much money, forms, RBES evaluations, AKS standards to implement, attendance log-ups, grades, dresses to order, tuxes to fix, halls to book, dues to pay, budges to ratify....
I don't understand any of those things. I went to school for 7 years to play the violin. That's what I wanted to do. But I got sidetracked to this - and I know it's what I'm supposed to be doing because I prayed so hard about it, and I KNOW Atlanta is where I'm supposed to be.
Every day I let people down because I have no idea what I'm doing. And I let myself down because I'm giving up so much of myself to try and be good at this, but I can't give everything like everyone else does. I'm getting drained so quickly...
I feel like my light is being snuffed out.
There's plenty of times in the day to laugh with students and to have nifty moments with. But I take very little time for myself and when I do, I get a gift in the form of a passive agressive guilt trip out of it.
I want a life outside of these walls. But I don't feel like I deserve it becuase I'm still so bad at what I do inside these walls. I can teach okay in the classroom, but everything else - which is 70% of my day - is making me sick inside.
I'm only venting this because I have to convince myself on a daily basis to stick with this for another day. At least a year, but I know I should do more. Everyone says so.
I knew it would be hard, but yegads, I don't want to lose myself in the process. There is so much more to life than this job, but no one here realizes that.
Mom sent me this quote the other day... it made me feel better, but I don't know why she sent it to me....
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."
-Dr. Seuss
Hmm.. maybe that's because the only way I get through my days is that Jared sends me e.mails all day that I can barely have time to read, but they always ar so sweet, cheerful, uplifting and kind. It's a small thing, but honestly it's the biggest thing to me and it makes me so happy.
I'm so lucky to have him in my life. So blessed.
(and mom is always there and is amazingamazing for me! thanks for the e.mails and the calls!:)
Now someone explain to me why everything else I came here for is driving me nuts?!?!
SUPERCRACK is dreaming of somewhere else... but a special someone in particular:)