days and nights
October 19, 2006 at 3:41 p.m.
(I posted WAY too many pictures at our family blog... enjoy the insanity...)
I wish I could take a running video of those first few minutes in the morning. No matter how hectic or painful the previous night was, when she wakes up, she yawns and stretches for a while and everything is forgotten. I knows she doesn�t know how to yet, but it looks like she�s smiling as she flails her little body parts and slowly figures out which muscle moves which appendage. She can yawn and stretch for a good 10 minutes and it is the most adorable thing I�ve every seen in my life. It gives me hope � maybe I can do this today. Maybe I can get something right today.
She�s so kind to me in the morning too � if she has a dirty diaper, once I get to the problem, she lays there kindly with a look to say �Glad to see you figured it out. We can resolve this unpleasantness shortly.� And when I give her a bath � especially like today, when our tub refused to give anything other than the lukeiest of lukewarm water, she doesn�t howl at me, like I know she should. I sing and pretend like it�s all okay, but I�m really thinking �I will be bathing this child every day for years. 2 weeks ago I didn�t have to do that � life was super easy. Why did I do this � what put the idea in our heads that we would take care of a CHILD??� and then I look down and she�s patiently sitting there, wet and freezing, and all I can do is cry and thank her for being so nice to me. I don�t deserve it really, with all these selfish, fearful thoughts. But she doesn�t know that � I think.
I�m better at nursing, and so is she. I still can�t stand it and wish I could stop, but you read all those dang books and they make you feel like you�ll raise an emaciated kitten-killer if you don�t. And they say you lose weight faster, and I hate feeling like a marshmallow. So I nurse. In fact, I�m typing this while she�s gnawing away at my left boob, which, she has decided she doesn�t much like and so it�s lopsided.. I loooove the Boppy pillow! It makes too-much-information like this possible : )
Nights are really hard, I just feel so responsible for getting her to eat and sleep and not bother Jared, who has so much to worry about already. Yesterday she slept without really eating for half the day because of our 5 hour excursion to Sao Paulo and back, and apparently the car really does get newborns to sleep. I dreaded the night the whole time � she�d be awake, hungry, upset, and I was already all those things. I packed everything I�d need to take care of her into our guest bedroom so Jared could at least get one decent night�s sleep before having to go back to work the next day. I want so much for her to learn how to sleep in her crib, but I knew yesterday was no day to be making examples, so I got her sleeping things and put her next to me (don�t worry, she has �baby bumpers� to keep her sleeping on her back, and it would be impossible for me to roll on top of them). It hurts to much to give up my nightly snuggle time with Jared, but it hurts more to see how sick he gets with all he has to deal with lately. I won�t do that regularly, I was just so worried after our trip. But this morning I woke up to Jared crawling into bed with me to hold me for a few minutes before he headed to work. Mornings are good around here so far : )
We pray to figure out why we�re here, why it has to be this difficult. And how much longer it will be this difficult. I wish I could pop my baby into her car seat and head to Super Target where I could get some clothes on clearance that would fit my not-shrinking-fast enough body. Play a gig with my band and have my baby girl see that her mommy is cool. Get her in a Kindermusik class, or any other newborn thing, so she can interact with other babies and I can learn how to interact with babies too. Take her to see my friends and have them see how wonderful she is and is becoming.
You know, 2 years ago-ish, I wondered why the heck I was moving to Georgia to teach high school orchestra, the one things I�d decided NEVER to do, and was unqualified for. But every time I prayed, I got the answer that I needed to go, and things kept happening to make it possible. I wondered why God would send me to do something I disliked so much, especially after how crummy grad school and Arizona had been. Buut, we all know how the story goes. Girl moves across country, attends party, meets soulmate, and bammo, just over 2 years later she a nervous but very loved wreck in Brasil with a newborn daughter.
But when I�m able to step back and see why I had to go through those ridiculous 2 years at ASU, and then the cross-country move, so I could be here (wherever here is!) but with Jared, and now Solei... I know the Big Guy Upstairs is looking out for me, and no matter how bleak things get, I�m not alone.
SUPERCRACK. Philosophocal. With a baby on her boob.