mourning
August 30, 2005 at 7:19 a.m.
Way too much in my head today. Some wonderful, but more of the not-so also.
On Thursday I'm playing violin in south Georgia for a lady at church. Her father passed away and he was a fiddle player so they wanted me to play some fiddle music for the service and viewing and such. I'm happy to do it, that's why iIhave this gift I suppose, it's so I can help others with my music because heaven knows I have few other skills.
It feels so good to be able to give. It just puts me in a sober mood, doing this for my friend and knowing what she's going through right now.
Then last night I get a phone call. Loren and I had been playing phone tag and his voice had seemed upset in his messages, but we finaally connected and he told me he'd been to Texas last week for his sister's funeral.
Whitney was on her way to college for the first time, when the driver fell asleep at the wheel and the car flipped. She was just 19. Ug. First Sabrina looses her sister this summer and then Loren. He sounded as stoic and analytical as ever.
But he loved her more than any brother I think I've ever known. He was so proud of her as she grew up, she was insanely beautiful and getting more so every day. Every time we'd talk, Loren would talk in awe of how strong and amazing his sister was and how he wanted to protect her from the world.
I just ache so much for him and his family. We didn't always see eye-to-eye, but Whitney always found a way to. I just ache.
On Thursday I will play my heart out for a man I didn't know, a man who lived his life fully, had a family, and who was sick and ready to leave when his time came. We are celebrating his life, not mourning it.
But when a young friend dies, I find myself not able to celebrate them. I'm too busy mourning me. Mourning the countless people her sparkle could have touched.
I can't find a way to celebrate.