out
January 14, 2002 at 12:18 p.m.
First day of school. I just can't seem to concentrate. The last semester of my undgergraduate degree. But right now it doesn't matter.
I think I've been waiting for this time in my life. I've earned this time in my life. And not in the good way.
I am 22. I know there are some "old" people out there who just feel like I'm being young and tragic, but the trick to being tragic is not knowing that's what you're really doing. I believe in my plight.
I'm throwing in my towel. I'm tired of this. Of hoping that someday I'll meet someone, of trying to keep my heart in a good place so it won't be impossible to give it to someone someday. Of being the strong one on her blasted own. Of looking pretty because mom insists it's always good to be prepared.
I'm so tired. I started caring for someone - unconsciously, and then I tried to stop it. I don't want this kind of drama, especially with a friend. A good Mormon boy.
But good Mormon boys never like me. I'm "too much to handle." "Intimidating." And never right. I'm not looking for a husband. I'm looking for someone I can care for. Maybe if I can do that and not me too damaged, I could spend forever with them. But I'm not jumping the gun.
Or I wasn't, anyway.
So as this boy was acting one way and saying another, I knew I could be in trouble. Because I honestly like him lot. So I gave him an "out" yesterday, and he took it. A lot of me wished he wouldn't bite, but he did and it's better this way. I know it. If someone is going to really want to be with me, they are going to have to know it, and pursue me. At least then I know how he feels and I won't be this tragic drama queen trying get back to sleep after these long streams of dreams night after night where I'm the last person left on earth after a horrible disaster and everyone else has taken safety pods to Mars to be safe but I'm the odd person out....
So I'm giving another out. To myself. I will be alone and I will just accept it and there's nothing else to dress up for. Or hope for. I have this great career amd dang it, I'm going to let that keep me company.
SUPERCRACK is just super.