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nutuh

April 25, 2003 at 9:46 a.m.

I feel like such a slacker. It has been so long since I made regular entries. But then again, it has been so long since I felt like a regular Reva.

My new meds are making me loopy but in the end the are supposed to help. I guess.

I'm going to be leaving here in a month. I'll be in Australia (hopefully the SARS thing won't prevent me) and Chile before I come back here. To Arizona.

And the thing that makes me sad is - when I come back, it will be like last August all over again. No friends, no connections. All alone, again.

Did I waste this entire year? Do I have anything to show for it? I don't feel like I do. My body is more damaged than it has been in years, I'm an emotional wreck and I'm still without anyone here who cares. I've tried, but Zane is my only real friend and he's going to be married in July and probably won't return to ASU.

I think this has been the worst year of my life. And I'm so stubborn, I'm actually coming back for one more year. I want this stupid masters degree. I hope it doesn't kill me.

Every time I think about coming back here I just cry. No one is friendly to me, the cultural scene is the most dry that I've ever seen, and I don't fit in. Not only do I not fit in, I have no one I can go play with who will at least have fun with me.

I have a situation with a roomate accusing me of something silly that I didn't even do and they'll probably all be one when I come back. Like last August, a lonely house again.

I WONT give up. I'll give it one more year and I'll try to eat and not get lonely but I didn't succeed at either of those this year. And I don't want to move back home becuase I don't want anyone taking care of me. I wanted to make it on my own. Apparently Arizona is the wrong place for that for a girl like me.

One more year. Then my life can begin again.

I hope, anyway. There is a scholarship situation because of my arm... they want to revoke it right now and I'm fighting so hard. I did what they told me to do and now it's something different. ASU is so cold. I just don't like it. I just want to walk in a silly hat and tacky gown and feel like I accomplished something. That all this sickness, sleepless nights, tears and regression into this dark place are all worth something in the end.

I hope there's enough of me left to be worth something in another year.

SUPERCRACK is cracking.

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wife. mother. musician. bloggerist for 7 years. holding on for dear life.

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