looking to Dallin and looking back at the craziness
July 22, 2003 at 12:24 a.m.
I've been staring at the computer for two days, trying to think of something to type. There's too much. Or too little.
First off, the one thing that's sure to put me in a state of waterworks is the fact that my "little" brother, one of the dearest boys in the whole world and one of the most magnificent violinists I know, is almost done with his two year mission for our church. He's been serving in Santiago Chile, the south mission.
I'm going to Chile to pick him up with my parents. I just can't believe that in a few days, I will get to see him again, hug him again, and feel his amazing spirit around me again.
He went to North Texas U. with me because I needed him. He went on a violin scholarship, even though he's an engineering major, and UNT has no engineering programme. This is us at our first UNT concert together... back in 2000.
He did it because I needed him, and he could just fill out his prerequisite courses before he left on his mission. That year was such a blessing to me. He and I were in the orchestra, and he would carry my violin to class for me, along with his. I got to eat lunch and dinner with him, and not feel so scared. He're a picture of him in my old dorm room, as we were packing up to leave... he's holding my guitar and for some odd reason, is wearing someone's chaps.... some guy that lived in his hall...
Heehee... weirdo:) Before he left, he and I played a violin duet in church, and as I looked across at the person I've played with more in my life than anyone, violin duets, piano duets, even singing.... the one person I could always count on, my best friend since he was born, and now, no music for two years. The people of Santiago would get to hear his music now... oh, I just sobbed right there. Got most of the people at church crying too. It hurt so much...
and in less than a week, I get to hug him again. I'll try not to strangle him:)
Oh, and if you want to hear us playing some duets, dad posed some here before we left for Europe in 2001. They aren't great, but they were fun:)
I'm going back to Arimazona in less than a month. I still have no scholarship, and tuition is 44% higher than it was last year. Last year I had a scholarship, so I could study freely. Now, I have nothing but a waiting game and anxiety attacks.
urp. can someone lend me a couple grand?
I've been looking through family photos like mad today, in anticipation of seeing Dallin again. I realized how beautiful my mom is, and how buff my dad used to be.
I also saw a younger me. I've slowly grown into myself, akward Reva for so long. I finaly look a little more comfortable. Years of bad makeup, huge glasses, long permed hair, bony then not-so-bony.
And can I just say how easy it is to slip back into not eating being here? Geez, there's nothing to eat! I mean, we just bought some food, but I haven't really eaten in days and it's just so normal, it feels... I know it's not healthy, and I scold my mom to take care of herself, and then it's just so easy to abuse yourself. To not feel anything but the hunger.
What's the use of eating? Oh hush, Reva.
I have many good things. I have friends all over that love me and I can take care of them and they are there when I need them too. I can play violin and guitar and sing out my frustrations. I have parents that support me even though I'm terribly frustrating. I have good prospects that I'll be able to do what I love for the rest of my life - teach violin and make music.
And yet... the other things scare me. The scholarship. The fact that my relationships have left me this scarred girl with anorexic tendencies, and more bitterness towards love than I planned on.
I was IMing Loren today.. yes we're still friends... and he was telling me about his dog and I mentioned that Urmi and I are planning on moving in together someday and having lots of cats. Of course he knows I don't particularly like cats, but I told him it's because I absolutely hate men right now. (geez, that sounds harsh, huh? I will say most of my friends are male and I love them just fine... just not my unlucky luck with the men I date)..
Why not just have a boy you hate instead of a cat you hate? asked the logical ex. Because, if a cat breaks something, I can lock it in the bathroom and fix the thing they broke. But boys break things I can't fix.
I couldn't believe that I typed that. But I guess it's true. The thought of a boy in my life makes me nauseous. I don't understand why it's been so disasterous. Loren pulled me out of my shell and then I got bonked on the head and then Bryan was so critical of me I almost lost myself. Loren at least was decent, but boy, Bryan hurt me.
Dmped twice in 4 months... not to mention the scored of cheaters and drop-outs before them. Why does it happen so traumatically to me? I stopped trying, and yet it just keeps on.
Enough! I'm going to try and put some clothes away and make this house look nice for Dallin.
Oh, by the way, who keeps searching for my site typing "reva inner"? that's an odd thing to google for... so often.... lemme know, mkay?
SUPERCRACK is going to CHILE!!! and if it all works out, she's going SKIING!!!!!!!!