bad days ahead
September 08, 2004 at 10:27 a.m.
I think I've hit the wall.
I knew this job would be hard, but it hasn't been so terribly hard as these last few days.
It's all just hitting me... this new state, this new existance as an independent woman 3 hours plane ride from my closest family, taking on a job I know very little about, in an apartment I have all by myself, and a new relationship on top of everything.
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm not ready.
But I signed up to do this, on my own, and I'm going to. I just don't remember how.
It's not Arizona, that's for sure. There I was all alone plus very few people wanted me to succeed. I had to push through things on my own and try to get the education and skills that I'd come there for, despite what most people thought or tried.
Here, I have a supportive co-teacher, a supportive principal and a bunch of the other teachers and parents are just pulling for me. I have a friend like Joel who came over at freaking 11 at night to talk to me for a few short minutes before I passed out because was worried worried about me and thought I might need a laugh and some celtic CDs to listen to.
And I have a boyfriend who boggles me with how fantastic he is. But we're still getting to know each other, and finding where we fit isn't ever easy. I wish I didn't freak out so much, I wish I'd never had my heart broken so I wasn't so fearful, I wish I was okay.
But I'm not. All day long I'm scared. I smile and I pretend like I'm not a wreck. I hate pretending. I hate have conversations with gazzillions of people and not being able to say "HELP ME. JUST HOLD ME, I'M SO NOT UP TO THIS!!!!" But they're usually between the ages of 13-18, or they have enough on their minds. I've been holding in so much that I haven't told anyone, I think I might just explode. I need something to lean on. But you can lean too much, I think.
So I have to figure out how to breathe. Just breathe for a little while, back to basics.
I suddenly feel very isolated. I should write a song....
SUPERCRACK needs. that's a problem.