a real entry on love for once
May 28, 2003 at 6:10 p.m.
AHHHHHHHHHHH it's all over! the wedding, school, I'm just ready to go bonkers. I can it in front of the compooter again and type and all that jazz... but for some reason, I can't get my dad's scanner to work - maybe tonight and then you'll have juicy pictures of my brother Quinn's wedding to my new sister Megan. Oh so cute!!
Right now I'm ust hungry t change this layout and tpe, but I can't scan any pictures until tonight when dad helps me with the scanner and I'm HTML challenged. I did this layout and it's pretty cute, but it's time to moooove on. Any ideas? Any help?
No more schmoozing needed. The happy couple are married, I have a sister now, and I can just lay down and be as sick as I want to be. I know I have to get all my ducks in a row for my trip to Australia (it is a work type trip, really - lots of electric violin clinics) but the fact of the matter is, I'm just really too tired to care. For just a little bit.
The house is so big and quiet. I need more noise. Mom and Dad are busy and I'm not. Somone needs to come play with me. I'll give you my address in Golden Colorado, just stop by. We can go to Lions Park and watch the geese and the people kyaking and the hang gliders and whoever you are, you can put your arms around me and give me a hug I just desperately need.
I like to have people around.
I think I'm in the mood to fall in love today. Since no one else is here, I suppose I'll have to fall in love with myself. It's a worthy activity, and think everyone should try it every now and then. Listen to your thoughts - give yourself some ice cream - take yourself about and concentrate on breathing.
But honestly, if I do that for too long, I get lonely. The wonderful things I find out about myself and the world - i just want to share them so much with someone else. I hate keeping beautiful things to myself.
I went alpine sliding today with some of my brother's new in-laws and I took them to find buffalo burgers. Downtown Golden really is my home. It brings back so many memories - the baseball fields where I played t-ball, the park I've thrown picnics in, the path by the river that I've walked down with boyfriends, sometimes laughing, sometimes crying, always with a different future in my eyes. I can't help it though - I love that bridge and path that winds though the trees and over the river. I keep getting this compulsion to take someone there because it's so personal and beautiful. No matter how many times my heart is broken, I end up back on the ridge, watchng the rapids below me with someone else's arms around me.
I'm a compulsive dater.
There should be a support group for girls like me.
I should just stop!!
This summer should do the trick - Australia, Chile, San Diego, LA, busy gal I am. I'll never meet anyone. That's a god thing, right?
Hiro was here for the wedding this weekend and was philosophizing (did I spell that right??) on dating a relationships, in a way only Hiro can... very systematic and always getting to the heart of them dagnabit.
He was telling me thought I should ask men out because I shouldn't limit my options (isn't it silly that I'm tlaking about this when I won't be dating for another 3 months at least??)
But I just can't. It may work for other people, but I have to let the guy come to me. If he sees the person who I really am - and likes what I am and wants to get closer to it, no one can force him to do that. I'm so wild and ecclectic and crazy... they have to really want to get to know me. Really realy have to want it. It's a lot to handle.
It's not easy to love me, but it's worth it.
That's what my mom says.
I really thought Loren was the one. I know that was months and so many boys ago, but I really did. No one loved me like he did. He would be there and let me be there for him and wanted to be there with me... he'd dance with me, he'd laugh with me, and he'd calm me like no one could or can. He treated me like I was a lady and I felt invincible.
I don't know why, but something in his heart just turned off one day. He'd tugged his way back into my heart last fall after I'd moved away and pushed me to see that we really could love each other - that things could work out and it was worth it. I was worth it. So I believed him. It took some heavy convincing, but when I gave my heart, I really meant it. And he did. And then he didn't.
I just don't understand it. I haven't pined or let him know that he tore my insides out and has left me with dwindling self confidence and a broken heart. Or that I stopped eating to mask how much my heart hurt.
I know we're still friendly, and that's nice... but deep down, I hate him for lying to me when he said he loved me.
But man and woman aren't meant to be alone. So no matter how much my heart is trashed by boys and friends, I can't stop. It's the nature of this life - if you make it back to your Heavenly father at the end of this life by yourself, without your arms around the ones that you have opened your heart to and have learned and grown with on our paths - then I think it was all for nothing.
People's hearts change. I guess I'm getting used to that fact. But the reason why I am here is to love, because love teaches you. Family, relationships, they are all the ultimate classroom of life. That's where we really learn, not in school or out of a book. But by being loved and learning to love.
So I love on. Or try anyway. Dagnabit, I sure wish this house wasn't so quiet. I wish Urmi and Danielle were here. Texas isn't so far. Hustle your bustle, girls!! I think I'll go for a run and start making prank calls. yeeeahhhh!
SUPERCRACK is super tired but she just keeps on keeping on:)