getting back to good
October 25, 2006 at 10:59 a.m.
I figured out a shortcut. Maybe it makes me a horrible mother (not that I feel like I am a mother yet) but I figured something out that has brought me nothing but peace and comfort.
I like control � I�m not a control freak though, if that makes any sense. I am willing to allow others to make decisions and I am flexible. But a few certain things I want to have some kind of mastery over. My body, but that�s another issue we�re all well aware of, and also of my time. I can be spontaneous, but having my life turned upside down by a schedule-less eating machine has been terrifying. How can I sleep, not knowing if she�ll wake, and when � I listen to the baby monitor in fear and I am tense waiting for any sound�. She makes a lot of them, not all of them mean hunger. It�s unnerving. I�m wound up like a cat, ready to attack dirty diapers or hungry mouths at any second. Yes, I sound like a super hero, but a nervous wreck at that.
Well, I should go back and put that into past tense. I WAS a nervous wreck. I attribute my more calm demeanor to 3 things. First � all the e.mails and advice you readers sent me. I have such a hard time getting my butt in gear and writing simple e.mails to friends, but you guys took the time to write to me � a stranger to some, and give comfort and advice that has been invaluable. Thank you SO much from the bottom of my heart!!
Two, prayer. As things have gotten sticky here with all the legal magoogle (the American consulate botched Solei�s passport application yesterday, GAH) and other things, it�s been so hard for Jared and I to look on the bright side of life. Even the little things would just reduce us to tears, and Jared�s been doubting the wisdom in bringing us all the way here if it was going to be this difficult. The fact is, we prayed � HARD to know where we should go, and this was it. We even prayed to NOT come here, but that�s not the guidance we were given. The right road isn�t always the easiest, and now that we ARE here, our prayers have become even more desperate, begging for some kind of comfort, and it has come from so many directions. We are blessed, and knowing you are blessed makes you stand a little taller. Like you know you have a job to do, and the Guy Upstairs loves you enough to make the road a little smoother, just so you can accomplish what He needs you to.
Third, and this is the most ridiculous one and gives me mommy-guilt � we drug our baby.
Lemme esplain�. I nurse all day long � heck, I nursed almost 2 hours this morning already � I�m a nursing fool. By the way � does it creep any of you other mothers out to look down and see a milk mustache and know it�s from YOU???
Anywho, nursing has been verrry hard to learn to do on both sides and at first, it nearly pushed me over the edge. But we got the hang of it � and since I have so much free time to stay at home, I figure I have the time to dedicate, seeing as she eats loooong periods of time. I break it up into a few sessions before she passes out for her naps (NAPS! I love �em!). Breastfed babies sleep about 3 hours, sometimes more, sometimes less. This unnerves me like crazy � when will she get up at night?? Will I be awake to hear it?? AKK!!
And then I found out�. Formula fed babies sleep like 4 hours or more. Okay, nursing HURTS and is time consuming and you�re telling me she could sleep longer at night if I just popped a bottle into her mouth??? TEMPTATION!!!!
And nooo, I didn�t give in. Exactly. We�ve been giving her one bottle of formula at night and she�s been sleeping about 6 hours. Last night it was 8, but that wasn�t so good because the Twins got all painful � you gotta milk these puppies. I woke up at 5am anyway just to force her to nurse for my own comfort.
She�s growing, she�s happy, and eats like a fiend all day, so I�m not too worried. I read too many books before she came along � that terrified me about labor, which was actually not that bad at all, and about her needs when she came out. She just cries when she�s hungry, and I can fix that problem. I�ve even broke my own rule about pacifiers, (actually Jared�s mom broke it first) and so she was well-behaved at church on Sunday. And about 3 or 4am, I feed her and she promptly goes back to sleep.
I think I�m just about the luckiest mom-type person ever, am I right?? She�s so kind to me. I�m pretty sure this is all part of Annie�s theory on first babies � God gives you one really good one to trick you into having more. Not that I�m going all Br1tney Sp3ars or anything, I�m just trying to find a reason that I was given such a sweet baby.
I�m seriously in love. Retarded, even. I can�t wait for her to open her eyes and start searching around for things to look at. She doesn�t focus on me, but it doesn�t stop me from needily jamming my face in hers and begging for attention by singing and gabbing on and on. If she knew what cool was, she�d totally think I was a doofus. Maybe she already does?
When she was born, I wanted her out of this helpless phase so fast � now, I dread her getting any more independent or mobile. She doesn�t care about cuddling � she just wants to eat � but when eating makes her pass out, I get to hold her and hold her as she sleeps. I never imagined I�d be this way � that I�d LIKE changing diapers because it gives me a chance to see her helplessly smile and wiggle around, or that I wouldn�t even mind the pain of nursing, because only I get the view of her chomping down on my nipple like she�s some crazed wolverine � it�s hilarious.
That�s all I have to say today � I need a shower and to attempt to clean up this house that I have trashed so thoroughly. I�m amazed at the love that has been given to me by every angle, and I feel okay. It�s not perfect, it�s not complete and utter ecstasy, but it�s a good feeling that Jared and I didn�t have at ALL a little while ago. So okay is just okay with me : )
SUPERCRACK is getting back to Reva.