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heart strain

May 17, 2002 at 1:55 p.m.

My head is throbbing, and I'm about to hop in my car and drive to Oklahoma to see MattKey graduate college.

Got all of my errands done, and my heart is soothed from the fiasco I had with Crabtree yesterday, so I'm trying to relax and tell myself I can do this.

But my head hurts so friggin much.

I'm just about convinced my brothers were right. No matter how nice a boy thinks I am, I don't thinks that's a payoff for my wacky deep emotions. Not mood swings, mind you, because I'm pretty much up all the time - but when I hurt, I HURT. So much I feel like someone hit me with a sledgehammer the next day, even when the boy has been a dear and cleared things up.

I know there's a plan out there for everyone.. and I know we are all supposed to find someone in this life that we can love and learn and grow with them - because most of life's greatest lessons and blessings come from our interaction with other people on every level.

But man, I don't want that yet... I know someday something will click in and I will desperately want to get married and have children and want to stop being alone...

but crying all day because of something a boy said that he really didn't mean... I don't know what I just learned but I know I am SOOO not ready for anything massive in my life. If a boyfriend gives me heartburn, what the heck would a deeper relationship do? Kill me??

I had a dream the other night about this and Urmi just gave me a great interpretation of it - get this:

I met this man, a grown up - maybe 7 years older than me, good looking, dressed very well and he had some job that mothers drool over - a lawyer or a doctor or something. He took me to his house for some reason and took me on a tour of his backyard - beautiful gardening and stunning landscaping. He offered to take me to some botanical gardens in Denton, and I initially agreed, then I realized he was interested in me, and told him I couldn't because I had a serious boyfriend.

And while I was telling him this, I was squinting and couldn't look him in the face because my contacts were completely dry and hurting, and I was also trying to pick up a gazzillion things I had with me - my arms were full and I kept dropping things and tried to stuff them back into my arms as I was talking to him - he was disappointed, but I knew it was the best thing. He made me uncomfortable - it wasn't like I felt so filled with relief that I had a boyfriend, but I just wasn't comfy with this other guy, and I would really rather just be with my non-professional boy.

Then I woke up...

And this was Urmi's take on things...

The man was the grown up world that keeps getting pushed on me - go find a marriagable man and settle down and do something grown-up-ish. And I'm just not there - I can't even look that future in the face yet, and all the things I was trying to pick up are the pieces of me that make me ME right now - and I'm just not really ready to let go of my youth yet, or pick up anything else either. ANd the juggling is getting difficult.

I believe in my dreams. I've had some very important ones...

Ug. I need to see MattKey. He always knows how to cheer me up because he makes me laugh so freaking hard.

One thing I just can't resolve... why did I get that upset? I guess it was because it was another 12 hours before he called and we got to clear things up.. but I haven't gotten that upset about a non-family member in years. I don't know how deep this stream runs, but now I'm getting nervous. Really nervous.

SUPERCRACK is heading out of town and that seems like the best idea right now...

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wife. mother. musician. bloggerist for 7 years. holding on for dear life.

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