how i get better
October 07, 2003 at 11:16 p.m.
Yesterday I was walking around campus in a haze. I felt invisible, just hurting. Insanely lonely. Stuff.
I knew of only one person who was free at that time of day, and I called him. Loren comforted me like he always can. He's a sweetheart, he really is.
Later on that day, I was sitting in my violin studio class, waiting to perform my solo. I had a lot of things on my mind. None of them happy. My teacher called on me to comment on another student's performance.
I couldn't think of anything to say and just started crying. I didn't know why, and I couldn't talk. She hastily moved on, and I tried to calm down - it took almost 10 minutes. Loooong minutes.
I finally calmed down and it was my turn to play. I got up there and I didn't look at anyone - I didn't even take time to breathe and calm down - I didn't want a chance to think because I didn't want to break down again.
I just pushed ahead and did it.
2 movements. And I played really well. Really. I even got some really nice comments from the other violinists. It could have been pity, but I really did a good job.
On my way home, I decided to celebrate. Again, another alone thing, but I jsut needed it. Plus, hey, my birthday is next week. I get a happy, dagnabit. So I took myself out and got a spa pedicure. I have "Million Dollar Red" on my toes right now. Feels pretty nice:)
I was still disturbed about my breaking down all day. I talked to mom that night, and just went into a whole rant about the experience, my whole experience here, everything. But she suddenly put it all into perspective...
"I'm just happy you played well today. It was just a few months ago that you couldn't play anything."
She wondered if maybe I was getting into such a bad place that I should go see a doctor about the same old same old... sadness, eating problems...
But I don't want to. I'm tired of doctors and I don't trust them anymore. And they always blame things on places that they aren't allowed to go - my family, my religion - things I'd never let them change. And then she said something even more amazing...
"The thing with these doctors is that they don't look at what is really making you sick. You are wired to love others. It's just so important to you, and you are so far from anyone you can actively be there for.."
That's really what it is. Interesting, and true.
I got to talk to Urmi, and she made everything so much better. I don't feel as alone. I fear losing myself here becuase I never get to be myself. And good friends really help you be your best self.
I feel like Reva today.
Thanks y'all.
I got my hair chopped and highlighted today. niiiiice.
Oh, also, guess who is going to Disneyland with MatMunch on Monday, huh???!?!?!
Guess who is going to bed right now?!?!?!?!?
SUPERCRACK is, uh-huh:)