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finally what it is!

March 25, 2003 at 10:30 p.m.

anyone wonder if I fell off the end off the end of the earth yet?

I'm here!!! And I have great news!!

I DON'T HAVE TO DROP OUT OF SCHOOL!!!!!!!

man, it has been FOREVER since I updated and there is oh-so-much to tell... so I'll take it from the top...

(by-the-by - this part might be dull, but there's a full Smiles update after so read on:)

So over Spring Break Kazu and I drove up to Flagstaff and got stuck in a snowstorm and it took us 4 hours to drive 2 hours. Arg! We never made it up to the Grand Canyon becauseit was completely snowed in. We didn't mind though - I got to visit with my cousin in Flagstaff and just enjoy each other.

Of course, driving though the snowstorm hurt my arm more, and I've been set back... but more get this...

so I have a "deadline" of sorts - if I can play by next monday, I am fine with my grades and standing with the university and all that jazz. No problem. But I can't see myself playing healthy in the long run if I push it now, you know?

So I've been so scared I don't want to drop out of school - I've worked too hard to throw this semester away. And I want this.

But oh - I just can't play right now...

And my teacher - Dr. McLin told me she feels I can't play for a while too. I need to take a medical release from this semester.

When she said this - I was just teary thinking no no no.... I said I don't want to drop out...

"What?" saith the fine doc -" No - just a medical release from violin lessons. You can keep this semester!"

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

What a relief - I was so happy!! The deal is though, I may have a problem with my scholarship for this semester because my credits are going to be be below 9, but she said there was no way I would have a problem with my scholarship next year. At all.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

*&^%^#%^@$%$#^%$*&^%$^%#^$*&$&^%#&%$^#%^$*&$*&%$

and on the boy front......

Smiles and I have been dating for just over a month or so now. And it's grand. If you look at my last entry, you'll see that I was getting a little scared and unsure. But I just couldn't talk to him about it. I wasn't feeling okay about being myelf around him because I'm so twitterpated I'm scared he'd see deep into me and not like it.

dumb logic, I know - but when have I ever made sense when it came to my heart??

But the other night, he brought this up and semi-confronted me with it. He had seen glimpses of me when I'm comfortable (which is rare) and I'm being myself. Deep down, I'm not all loud.. I just do that to keep other people out, to entertain beinse I feel like it's my job or somehting.. or I'm just nervous.

But he had seen me as myself and was frustrated that he couldn't see more of it - he'd been trying everything to make things comfortable for me so I could come out of my shell and I wasn't, and here I was thinking he didn't see me, when I was the one hiding.

It really opened my eyes.. I didn't realize I was so defensive and had so many guards up.. and I don't want them anymore.

I like being myself around Smiles. This is new. And it's liberating. I'm not a slave to that old fear. It's silly of say - but I can be me, because

"I'm good enough.... I'm smart enough... and doggone it, people like me!"

anywho, dating him is rather fun. We've done such fun things... he laughs soooo loudly. It makes our time together such a blast.

He thinks I'm beautiful. And he likes to spend time with me too. My spring fever is still mad crazy, and it's marvelous that I get to spend it with him.

Golly, if you guys have any questions just bug me. You know where.

SUPERCRACK is just good, kids:)

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wife. mother. musician. bloggerist for 7 years. holding on for dear life.

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