glahblah
April 05, 2003 at 7:53 a.m.
I have to be dressed and out the door in half an hour to go teach all day, and I just got outta the shower...
ech, I'll still do this anyway.
I don't know why though, I can't explain it so it's hard to talk about it.
B and I are still together. We're working on it. I've been so busy trying to get him to see my point of view and how I was feeling, that I completely missed how he was seeing things and feeling. So to get to the bottom of this, I'm learning to get out of my bubble and see things his way. And he's doing the same.
It's hard.. he's very perceptive and he sees me - even the dark side that I hide. I've hiden it so much, I don't know much about it because I've hidden it from myself.
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fast forward..........okay - it's now 5pm and I'm back from teaching. I'm waiting for my parents to get here....
My mom and dad are driving a car from LA to Denver this weekend and they're stopping through here tonight and I just can't wait ....
I miss them. I miss lots of things. I took myself shopping today for some clothing items I needed. Heaven knows I don't have the money, but I needed it. I used to take myself out and shop when I was down. It was a small pick me up that didn't allow me to wallow. I can't do that anymore because being a a masters student is expensive... I haven't done something nice like that for myself in a long time and it felt nice.
I also used to go hang out with my friends when I needed a pick me up.
I miss having them here. I miss them all so much. I'm so freaking lonely. My roomates are fun but I can never count on them to be around. they're really busy. The only people that call and check on me live in another time zone.
I guess that's the main problem. I care so much about B and I want this relationship to work, but you can't love someone if you don't love yourself and I'm bordering on the the depressed right now.
I'd feel like I had a purpose if I could make music right now. Or be a friend to someone here. But instead I'm bored and lonely. I'm tired of doctors being my only social interation.
I'm just crying right now because I'm lonely. All the time. And I'm afraid to tell B that because he might think I'm too weak to waste any more time on.
Please don't yell at me for feeling that way.
It's nice to have someone in my life who will call every now and then and wants to spend time with me.
For now. I hope for more, but I never know.
And I guess that's it. Mom's going to help me clean my room tonihgt but I'd better get cracking now.. this is going to be quite the undertaking....
SUPERCRACK is actually cleaning??? WOW!