wow! an ah-ha moment
January 29, 2003 at 7:51 a.m.
You know, I've decided something.
I've been making an effort here. I really have. I go out and hang with people I meet here, and I do it even more now. But I always feel emptey and bored when I get home. I asked a teacher what I was doing wrong, and he said he'd been here for 3 years and his kids still weren't accepted in their social group.
Last night I went to an institute BBQ and... oh man, this is the idea -
It's not my fault!! It's really not! These people are just incredibly boring!! I'm going to stop worrying about it because oh my heck these little born-and-bred-Mesa-ASU-ites are giving me a headache.
I mean, there's some groovy ones - Traavis and Jon are some nifty friends I have and they invite me to parties and things And my roomates are the coolest people I know - and Joyce is a dear, and I'm sure ally is marvelous, but oh man I have a year and a half left and then I am so going somewhere crazy. I need crazy people.
Like Kazu! He'll be here in a while to visit me - he won a composition competition out here with a piece he dedicated and composed for me - oh man it's weird, just like him. I have to play with two bows and walk in a triangle and do some other freaky stuff...
maybe Arizona's problem is that there's not enough performance art. Man, I miss the weirdness of Kazu.
I almost just joined a mariachi class here for a 500 buck scholarship. At the last second I realized I didn't have time for is and also that I really can't stand mariachi music. heehee.
I've been set free by Loren. I feel free. I also still feel in love with him. I still feel like he's one of the best friends I've ever had. But everything is so complicated right now. I'm getting my masters and then the sky is the limit... and he's leaving for 2 years. It keeps getting more complicated because I don't even know when he's leaving.
He's so wonderful, he tells me if I need to close up it's good because he wants the best for me. The thing is, I have no idea what the best thing for me is. But I do know that I'm just oging to live my life and wait until the answer comes up. I'm not looking for anything. I don't have any time to figure it out. ANd I don't want to do anything wrong.
Ug. Does this sound as complicated to anyone else?? It's almost not if you take it slowly.. I - love - Loren. Loren - loves - me. We - need - to - take - things - day - by - day. If - I - need - to - take - a break - and hide - he - supports - me - and likewise.
Okay, not so cut and dry. Ug. I'm going to class. At least that makes sense:)
SUPERCRACK is just moving along.
Ps. I woke up with the stong desire to be Dave Matthews when I grow up. I wish I could be a better musician and write the kind of things he does... hmm... I'm going to go cut a real album as soon as I have time. It'll be in 30 years, but I'll have at least 4 good ones on it:)